Mr. Void, The Cynic

This one is for you...

I was talking to my besty today and we suddenly jumped from astrology to introspection and to blogging. Long and short of the story is she said that I should write one about myself, in which I introspect. I thought noway, not that I ever listen to myself. Anywho, against my better judgment I will write this, as a mark of how much that one single friend means to me.

I call myself a cynic, repeatedly. That doesnt make me a cynic, and that is not even important. What is important is the underlying desire to be one, for it is true that I wish to be a cynic. Forget the dictionaries, for me a cynic is someone who covers up the irony of his life in jest and present them in a manner so ridiculous that nobody sees the pain. For me cynic is a person that laughs at other people's misery not because he finds misery amusing but he sees similarities or ironies that other people cant and laughing is his way to deal with emotional surcharge rushing through him. A cynic to me, is the deepest reader of civilization, and of humans that forces him to mistrust one and all.

The underlying desire to be a cynic comes from my deepest, darkest fears. The feeling gets prominent with shadows crossing over. Small incidents, if inspected individually are probably harmless, but accumulated over the time claws and eats you inside. Only the best of persons have control over their darkest fears, these are probably the chosen few. There is another category that I totally despise and these are manipulators, who give in to their fears and work to achieve the opposite. These are the world leaders, these are probably the most successful people in the world. There are also people who just crumble under their insecurities, the weaklings, the simpletons. And then there are cynics, as painful as it is, they just swerve the link on which the fear is based and they decide that one way or the other it doesnt matter. But the truth is that the link cant be broken, and there is a stabbing pain whenever the shadow crosses confirming the side. But the pain comes and goes and cynics stand their ground unaffected in the long run.

But the truth is I am not a cynic and that there is a part in me that dont want me to end up a cynic. This is the part that gives me faith, and the immeasurable hope that I have, which is all I have. The courage comes and goes, but hope often helps in overcoming the fears, hardwork happens (although not always) and I find myself standing.

A few stand by me, but I find it so very difficult to trust anybody, to bare my soul. There are always half truths, reality covered in jest and fiction and things roll. As Void, the author, it has always been very important to me to hide the identities of people I mention in my blog because they are real people with emotions and feelings and not all react the same way to being exposed to the world. Sometimes I take the hit, in order that someone else's identity or secret may be preserved. My blogs are a lot manipulated. Am I mysterious, no I am not. I dont want to be, but it is equally important to preserve someone else's secrets. Although I am a little bit superstitious about not speaking about a thing till it has launched, and that I prefer to work away from prying eyes. I have made the mistakes about it in the past and found my work difficult when people watched me. I also dont answer unasked questions. So if you think that I am being mysterious perhaps you are not asking the right question.

There was a time when I really thought that the most important thing in my life was to have friends, now I dont. Now I yearn for success and for withering heights. To reach the top and give it all up to become an author. I yearn for experience that life will give me. But there is somthing that I yearn for beyond all, something that I will not mention today, because it doesnt fit the twenty year old Void. I also yearn for a quick exit from this world, twenty more years is the most I want to live.

I smoke, not because I want the death to come early. I want the quick exit but not a painful one, anyway that is not the point. I smoke because that is the few moments of true freedom that I have from this world. I smoke because it relieves my mind, sometimes just because I am bored but mostly because of the freedom. I drink for the same reasons, but I hate getting drunk. I hate to lose my control so I am not so hot on drinking.

One more thing about myself is I hate making mistakes, simplest of mistakes like saying Good Morning in the evening or getting excited or simply getting nerdy. And I berate myself for making these mistakes. I am fairly lazy and can be termed borderline reckless. But I am not irresponsible. I get things done and on time! I am usually punctual, except for the classes, which I can never get on time to.

I dont like people who dump their troubles all over someone else, and play the blame games. Dumping your troubles over someone else doesnt mean talking to a friend to regain some strength or some sense of direction. But I absolutely hate people who just have problems and those who never come through for you in your troubles. I am also repelled by people who speak a lot of themselves or try and impress others especially with money or possessions. But above all I hate those people who always tell you that you are their best friend, they love you to bits but when it matters you are left alone, and I have loads of them!

On Veganism, I would love you if you are a vegan but non veganism is hardly the biggest problem the world is facing. On God, I am my God and work is worship. On diplomacy, will never understand it.

I seriously hope you got what you wanted cuz I am not going to make another attempt. Introspection, huh? I know myself, if there is one thing I am sure of, that is it.