One of the most singular (and fundamental) experiences of life is being in a relationship. But what is even more singular (and even more fundamental) is the experience of getting dumped. In spite of the affect this post will have on my personal ratings, I think it is very important that I proceed, largely because, as an author it is quite fulfiling to be able to extract every ounce of misery from a topic.
Those who know me best, will agree that I am as averse to a relationship as two rival heavyweight boxers or Manchester United and Arsenal or Ferrari and Mclaren. And yet, very occasionally their paths cross. You see, as a young meddlesome fool, I made it a habit to jump from one ship to other, occasionally braving a foot in two different ones. And suddenly, out of nowhere, a whim and a fantasy, the wildest nightmares realized, I was in a relationship! "In!"(Read Trapped) My world crashed, smiles disappeared, arguments surfaced and by God if I ever could have committed a murder... well you know what I mean!
Those deep eyes that captivated me once, now appeared to resemble the basilisk eyes from the Harry Potter movie I had recently watched. And the sweet sound of her voice was suddenly so sweet, I was afraid of catching diabetes. The only thing that did not change was the importance of the phone in the relationship. Not so long ago, I kept hoping for it to ring so that I can hear the voice of my sweetheart. Now, I keep hoping for it to ring, so that she will finally shut up. At both times the phone calmed the seas for the ship to sail and I suddenly found myself committed. At this point, my thoughts go back to Abraham Lincoln. He had a heartbreak, then he went on to become president of USA and freed the slaves. I quite understand him now, he had tasted freedom and wanted everyone to have it. Oh captain, my captain! (If you don't know that's the opening line of a Walt Whitman poem, and of course quite fitting... captain as in captain of a "ship")
The new "committed" phase brought about new changes. I have seen people belonging to this phase, discussing wedding card designs, or the name of the kids. And of course there is the "duty". Duty is the fond name, that I have since given to the task of going to (not on, but to) a date. You see I found it much similar to going to work. "Duty". There are many similarities, though I still found dating worse. You cant obviously miss work unless your grandparents die, but the bad thing is even death wont get you off the date. She will of course insist on coming. Then if you are late to work(or to date), the angry tirade of boss is always better than the tears of a girl with whom you cant get away by saying sorry. And whatever you say is wrong anyway, and you cant shut up either. It is what is called getting caught between a rock and a hard place. And with your boss there is always an outside chance of just making a sex joke and if its really good you may even get a promotion for producing a productive environment. Of course, if you make a sex joke to your girlfriend you will invariably get the tirade of "mad dash to finish line" or "just about sex" depending on where you are in the relationship. Then there is a lot left to be said about things forced down our necks.
The biggest point of conflict was my best friend. "Surprisingly" she didn't like him, of course not. What was I thinking, having a best friend without consulting her. I am ordered to find new friends. Of course sweetie, that's what I will do. And then, your friends are no more helpful than your girlfriend. "She is cripping your style man!" comes the standard response. I usually ignore that and his suggestions, as good as they sound. Basically, it is being idiotic and reckless at the same time, if you take relationship advise from someone who finds it difficult to get anything (let alone humans) to go out with him.
There was a lot I always wanted to tell her, but the smile remain attached on my face just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I mean, well it was nice to have someone who can list all your shortcoming in under a minute, if you ever decide to strive to be a better person. And there was another reason too. Guys are "disgustoids", and it was nice having someone who doesn't wear their socks inside out after seven days of wearing them regular way or who doesn't eat like a pumba in a burger chugging contest and burps loudly afterwards. There are a couple of other reasons, but I don't think we should go there.
Then it happened, one fine evening, just as I was beginning to come out of despair of a hopeless bondage with few hours of stolen time with the guys. You can let your imagination wander if you really want to know how we were planning to spend the evening. Just as we were getting started, DING-DONG. That was the doorbell. And there she was, again, the girl uninterrupted. Or I should say the interrupting girl. Without preamble she marched in, and well then lost it. You see, when I said stolen I actually meant calling her with a silly excuse of studying or something. She screamed, not much unlike people in Ekta Kapoor's beloved K series do. (Another reason I despise k series, but thats another story for some other time), and I tried to explain that I was a good boyfriend (later I wondered, why the hell!). And then she pronounced, "Yeah well, guess what you are also an ex now."
I stood there "flushed", as she marched out of the door. I am still not sure whether I should have followed her. My best friend was the first to recover, he whooped and punched the air. I was still feeling horrible, guilty perhaps. But then I realized I am not upset.
Someone asked me "Shouldn't you go after her?"
"Nuh, don't think so."
"Yeah, you can just call her tomorrow and get together and sort it out."
"Nuh, I am not gonna call her." I didn't call her. She didn't call either.
"Are you gonna be alright,"
"Oh yes, lets get this party started," said I, recalling everyone to planned rituals. As silence dropped over the room, as CD changed, I thought to myself "After all, there are plenty of other fish in this toilet of love."
(I hope she didnt read this. Hey sweetheart, if you read this and you die of shock please dont come back to haunt me)
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