An Iota of Inspiration

Last time I started writing, I wanted to write something that would inspire me and get my deepest thoughts out. Instead I ended up bitching about a failed romance. I hope to go better this time.

It has been a rough couple of months for yours truly, the Void. I have lost so much, seen so much come to naught, that I am beginning to doubt myself. Well actually, I started doubting myself, a long time ago, right now I am starting to give up on myself. Everywhere things are like coming to no conclusion, and as much as I am trying to move forward I cant. Its the deep alley I described two years ago, I am back there again. (Click here to read that post)

And real life and dreams are colliding, big time. I keep trying to assure myself its going to be ok, and trying to keep positive, and not get frustrated by it, but it aint happening. I am cold, and as much as I hate to admit this, I am rattled.

"A decison that went wrong in the past, misfortune and misery piled up and one strike and crash..."

But, shit happens all the time. And you have to look above all of that, and be good. I always say, Failure is when your best wasnt good enough, but what does a failure mean? Does it mean your life is over? Or that none of your dreams will ever come true? Some failures are more obvious, like failing a test, now u can always reappear in that test, so not such a big deal. Unfortunately, not all failures are that simple.

But you know, I am disappointed too. Because, I did put in an effort towards everything, I have worked hard for four years, and I expected some rewards right about now. I am just trying to convince myself, that I dont deserve anything, but I cant make myself believe it. Simply because I have put in too much fucking effort, to see it come to naught. Its all so screwed up that I am left wondering where would I be right now, if I had slacked off like many of my friends. Down a sewer maybe?


And maybe I have some other purpose, maybe I am meant to do something else. But most likely, my dues aint paid yet. It looks like, I still have some battles to fight before I can get my life back on track. I am prepared to start at the bottom again, and I am excited about it too. I know I will make something out of it. Right now, hope has really deserted me and there is no light coming in from anywhere, but well, things will change. They have to, I wont give up. After twenty two years of fighting life trying to screw me (at least last 10 years of it), I can easily take a few more years. No problems. I will fight back, its like that U2 song, "There is nothing you can throw at me, that I havent already had(heard)". I may be down, but I am not out. Noway!

Choices Revisited

Life, according to Quantam Physics, is but a chance. A chance which way the dice will roll. A chance whether the toss of coin will dish out head or tails. And the choice is whether you called out heads or tails, or which number you put your money on. This is what life is, a casino of bets. Some choices are simple but then the simple choices dont reward as much. The bigger the stakes are, more complex it gets. And sometimes its choice between two rights, according to two people. Or like Rowling said, between what is easy and what is right.




And people do succumb to the choices that are easy, or the ones that somebody else (read parents) chose for them. It is inevitable, and people shouldnt really be blamed for lack of spine. They are the way they are, perhaps having a simple life is their way to deal with shit. Or the most common of all they dont choose but let the fate take its course, so they dont win or loose but just drift with the flow of tide. I would say that is the wise decison, at least as far as probability goes, which by the way accounts for more than you care to know. But the fact remains.... and it bites and bites deep

The fact that people dont care or commit to things in a way that they should. That they make life impossible for their colleagues, that they turn a blind eye to magnanimity or importance of the situation and chose to drift. And the shocking thing about it is they do it in spite of the ability to perform better. Its their inherent lack to understand simplest things in life or the inability to sort out their priorties. It drives me to despair. I have been rarely as frustrated as I am right now. And I want to give up but my bestie says my heart will bleed if I do that. And I dont know whether I will be able to or not, but my better judgment says that I should. Not because of probability stacked up so high against me, but because of having to operate with people who always find the wrong person to shout at (which happens to be me). I am not perfect but I will be damned if I dont know my priroties. The difference and the salvation both lie in commitment, and that remains my problem. I dont know how to make them see my point of view, I dont know how we will ever survive this tirade of pathetic working habits, the communication gap and the lack of commitment. It will come down to choice whether they accept the harsh reality or not...

Maybe I will write in my next post in detail why I quit the quest for redemption (Q4R), or why the team threw me out or why they bailed. Or maybe, just maybe they will understand....

The Quest for Redemption

This one goes out to my team....

You cant seriously expect me to publicly mention what exactly is the quest for redemption, but I will instead share two of the most memorable experiences of my life.

December 2005- January 2006

It was somewhere 28th or 29th, I received an email from IIT Bombay, they said that I have been shortlisted for a workshop and competition on Computational Fluid Dynamics, CFD for short. As it happened I did not know anything about fluid dynamics, so through January I studied hard, put in a lot of effort and went for the workshop. On January the 20th, in a classroom full of people from top colleges of India, the NITS and Dr. Atul Sharma of Aerospace Department, IIT Bombay, a first year student of a virtually unknown college raised his hand to tell everyone that he is the only first year student, from a virtually unknown college. I further confirmed I have had no training in fluid mechanics, the 35 people in that room except for me laughed openly, including the professor. By the end of the day nobody was laughing, as I was among the ten students, who made it to the second round. By the end of the second day, people older than me and from better colleges came to me for advise, and by the end of the third day, at completion of the workshop, I had wrapped up the competition and praise from Mr. Sharad Purohit, the director of CDAC. I also got to use ParamPadma, India's fastest supercomputer, ranked just over 100th in all of the world!

On that day I decided I will return to IIT Bombay for the techfest every single year. I was determined to win the biggest competition of the fest. I did make a team and we did participate in Techfest 2007 but didnt win, performed well in our own eyes but not well enough to justify the expenditure.

Three Days ago

The three members from the old team were sitting in my room and discussing the current endeavor. I for the fun of it, found the old drawings that we made last year, for the 2007 Techfest, and seeing those drawing, reduced us to fits of laughter. They are such crap, seriously useless, yet back then those drawing made infinite sense to us. Same goes for a lot of other work. So listen to me, for what I have to say is very important, it was a learning curve. And it still is, we dont claim to know the answers, but we want to find them. Its not about knowing but finding out, and giving your best.

That is what every competition is all about. Setbacks and crappy work comes with being new to any project, and it will pass and hopefully you too like us will look back at these days and laugh about it. Believe me when I tell you that this is going to be the most rewarding experience of your lives. People are always going to tell you that you cant do it, because they didnt do it themselves. It is going to be tough, not all the answers that you want will be staring you in your face but buried beneath mounds of dirt, that you will have to dig. It will come down to commitment, how much time and energy you are going to put in it. Whether you will put it above everything else that you have in life, or will you give excuses of from the everything else in your life to not do your share of work. I know each and everyone of you, and I know you well, even if I never spoke to you before but I know that you are capable of doing whatever it is that is your work. Never lose hope, or the faith in yourself. Also remember, that one person alone can undo the good work of all the others, if one part fails the whole thing will fail. So just keep your head down, and keep working hard because like our Web Designer said The Worst is Yet to Come.

The Losing Battle

"So do all, who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

(Gandalf to Frodo Baggins, in Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring in response to Frodo's continued desire Frodo and Gandalf in mines of Moria,Precisely the scene
where this dialogue was exchanged
to not bear the ring of power. To the best of my belief the line was only in the movie and not in the book)

Dont we all wish something of that sort, perhaps not of that magnitude? The reason that Lord of the Rings remain etched in my memory as the finest book ever written, is the fact they all stepped up to fight a battle they never thought they could win. From Frodo, who takes up the ring of power and journey without the aid of the more seasoned campaigners to the Strider, who marches to a fight that he will lose so that somebody else can win. And they were united, their power lay in courage of their hearts, and strength of their brotherhood. They bowed not to some invisible power, but met their dooms head on without fear. And yet suffered defeat in victory, Princess Arwen to Samwise Gamgee, who won and yet lost. No story was ever told, that was so riddled with grief, the bravery at its best. To fight a battle that you can not win and then smile in loss, in hope for someone else to enjoy that victory. I bow to you, Mr. Tolkien for providing us with an epic that will remain etched in our hearts till we breath.


The Strider, Aragorn, Elessar... He goes by many names
There is another incident, another phenomena that elated our hearts, much in the same way as Tolkien. His name wasMichael Schumacher.There was an incident, three years ago. It was Chinese Grandprix. Schumi having taken the bull by its horns had stormed his way atop the leader board with a comfortable lead. His championship was secure, then Chinese Grand Prix happened. With the worst luck that any driver ever could have, from punctured tyres to collisions, nothing that was his fault and he found himself at the bottom. And with nothing to prove and no battle that he could possibly win, he drove out of the pits, new tyres and everything and started setting scorchers of laps. On the last lap of the grandprix, he set the absolute fastest lap, a record that still holds. He finished thirteenth. He need not have done it, he could have just gone to pits and had a cold drink and nobody would have thought any less of him. Yet he raced, with ghosts perhaps just to prove something to himself. As luck would have it, next year he was riddled with a car that Schumi storming in Monaco
couldnt have won him any championships. Yet he fought, he raced with faster cars, defended, and lost and yet stepped out smiling waving to loyal fans as opposed to hiscompatriots who just vent their anger after being thrown out of a race. He bowed out, without the no.1 that he held for five years in succession and seven years in all. Thanks for inspiring us Schumi, for entertaining us and for fighting the losing battles...

And this is what life is about fighting those battles that you will eventually loose. A quest that leads only to defeat and leaves you to find little victories in a larger loss. Remember, when you wish things were different, you are not the only one. People who accomplished great things thought the same, and yet they marched to their eventual defeats, and found little success. Remember, the bravery at its best is to fight the losing battle, to lose it and still smile. Everything else that comes your way is just a bonus...

Hope must drive you....

A Scattered Life

Have you ever been down that dark alley, layered with myst, which has signs to turns that you cant see? And that alley just stretched out, one cornerstone to another and each one as unfamiliar as the last? And you see familiar faces but cant recognize anybody? And after a while, you are no longer certain whether you are moving forward or back, having lost all sense of direction. And then a chill grips you, stifling you.

"I am no stranger to this place
Where real life and dreams collide,
And even though I fall from grace
I will keep the dreams alive."

What, you didnt think you were the only one, did you? We have all been down that road, at least those who have been lucky. I should say fortunate, lucky is such an ambiguos term. What is this road then, the path, the place or whatever the hell it is. Truth be told I dont know, I can not draw any anomaly. But lost and alone seems about the right description. A decison that went wrong in the past, misfortune and misery piled up and one strike and crash... the life is scattered.

I know not whether a solution exist, a way past the way. But allow yourself to believe when I say, it is perhaps not as bad as it looks. Positives can come out of it, and perhaps the positives is the solution. While in that rut, perhaps I still am, but I dont notice as much, I decided to keep myself occupied, with one thing or another for pleasure or for pain, I didnt give myself much time to reflect on what is stifling me. And slowly, the hold started loosening, the myst faded and the turns begin to appear. While I was despairing, my heart was in the deepest shadow, eyes closed wallowed in self pity, in those tiring moment after immeasurable labor, when I woke up I found the smallest ray of sunshine. The end of the tunnel. The smile that got lost in the dark alley was once again magically attached to my lips, heart lightened, burden off the shoulders.

And it was hope that drove me. Hope in fact is a good thing, perhaps the best of things. It was faith that willed me. I may not be out in the sun, I might still be stuck in some layers of the underground, but my heart is free again. The alley will capture your heart, and if it manages that, you have lost. Struggle, kick and scream if all else seem last. Crawl if you can not walk, but keep moving. Work so hard that death seems nearer than sleep. And when you have braved everything, death will recede, lights appear at the end of the tunnel...
Just pray its not the train!!

The Giant Leap

"I believe I can Fly"

I am writing this in my belief that you need to read this, whether you are 10 years old or hundred, because not many people I know believe what I hold very dear in my life, albeit not necessarily one that I follow.


There are many people, that constantly surround each and every one of us who influence the decisons we makes. They come in different shapes and sizes and are known by many names. Family, friends, foes, teachers and of course strangers. But, do they necessarily influence us in a righteous manner? Or is their influence just a reflection of their fears and limitations. I believe it to be the latter. I believe the choices we make go wrong only because of this influence, which in itself is a choice that we make, perhaps not consciously.

"I believe I can fly" is an R. Kelly song from the 60s decade, and no better words were ever spoken. Its the faith that decides who you are or what you will become, because it is the faith that leads you to choices that you face. Friends and family will always tell you to play it safe, undoubtedly, unwavingly. If you prepare for a giant leap, they will coerce you into doubting that you can even run, let alone fly. You will start seeing the abyss that covers the length of your leap, your hand shakes, fear clouds the eyes and mysts the brain, until the senses take leave forcing a senseless decision thats not here or there, or halfway here, halfway there. You would expect the solution to fail, but it doesnt. And you feel vindicated, eternally grateful to friends and family, but a shadow creeps in your minds, If Only....

But why does it work, it shouldnt. Right? Yes in the perfect world it shouldnt, but the world is so screwed up, what shouldnt work works. Of course the giant leap could have taken you to withering heights.. but still. But here is the tricky part, you see it so happens that you either leaped off or stayed behind is not the only possibility. Not every one of us is as strong of constitution as others. We often waiver at the brink of this leap, and people braver than the ones who didnt leap yet weaker in mind than those who leaped to the destination, falter midway. That is the fate that awaits most of us, if we continue the influence of irresponsible friends and family in the name of protection. The ideas fail, a giant leap ending in abyss, not because you werent good enough but because you allowed someone else to enter the sanctity of your mind, which is yours alone. You have to believe, to be prepared to fall and yet leap.

I said in my second post, "I believe in strength of heart" . Now I elaborate. What I mean is it that I believe everyone is capable of great things. Everyone has a destiny, a dream to follow, not much unlike Santiago of The Alchemist, who follows a vague recurring dream to war and glory, to pyramids and to love of his life and back again with more treasure than a shepherd can dream of. Cindrella says, "Dreams are the wishes our heart make when we fall asleep." So why is it that you discard the power of dreams over shallow whining of your fellows. Allow your heart to expand, your mind to wander. Will it to find your path, and when it does, care not whether it is one that your brothers will approve of or not. "Go where there is no path and leave a trail," and of course the very famous...
"Two roads to virgin'a wood. I took the one less travelled by, and that has made the difference."

If you must let other people influence you let it be ones worthy of it. Whether its Aragorn of Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Abraham Lincoln or Gandhi, Da Vinci or Newton. Einstein or Hitler. To each, its own. But let it be someone or something, matters not, lest it be ordinary. The phrase is Carpe Diem, make your lives extraordinary. I try to listen to my heart, I try to take the dangerous paths when my brain wills me to do otherwise. Its the battle between the brain and heart, and it is not that my heart is without fear. It is neither that my heart prevails over my brain everytime they collide, in fact they are evenly matched. But, I give my heart enough opportunity to sedate my brain, so that when time comes I will take that giant leap, perhaps I will falter, perhaps I will succeed. But it matters little, for the fun will be in soaring through the air, falling down will pass. The excruciating pain (if I fall down) will pass too, but what will remain with me if I dont leap is the big If only... but hopefully it will be the memory of that long flight and the light touchdown at success... where will you be?

Bitter Sweet Symphony

"Cause its a bitter sweet symphony that's life"



These lines come back to me, probably in retrospect. Or because I am still clinging to a non existent past. I call it non existent because it has since melted away into nothingness. Or probably, in relation with a distant future, which again might not exist. You see its all relative. This or that, yin or yang.

Thats what life or destiny is- an endless spectrum of possibilities. If we assume Quantam Physics to hold true, which in itself is highly probable, life is but a matter of chance. And even with this measely statement I can feel scorn of the distinguished crowd who feel the need to write(right) their destinies. But I will request them to keep the focus, cuz I am not done. Words can often be misleading esp when I am weaving them.

Chance is but a choice, choices that we constantly face. Every wrong choice turns into a wasted chance and as you would doubtlessly acknowledge, this brand is easier to come by and harder to get over. Dumbledore(or JKR) over simplifies things when he(she) tells us people just have to chose between whats right and whats easy. But alas, things dont work that way. Some personality (I dont remember who) has been quoted as saying, you dont get experience until after you need it, they probably got it right. But then, not even experience is impeccable, as no two situations are the same. And of course, more often than not, it is impossible to know the direction of thinking is impeccable or not. I mean to be really rational in thinking, you have to consider whether you are being irrational, so you will definitely never chose what is evidently rational. But if you are being irrational in thought, the thought of irrationality will not cross your head and you will believe yourself to be rational, resulting into a solution born out of the irrational thinking. So yes, basically the thought procedure is faulty. Thats why high value is placed in being instinctive.

Instinct is another modern day illusion. Unnecessary credit is placed where credit isnt due. The procedure of instinct is simple, it randomly selects a part of the problem and finds the part of the solution for that part of the problem and the rest of the solution is supposed to fit in the rest of the problem. This is achieved by either being lucky at the dice, or as in most cases of people qualified as "instinctive", sharp brain ends and huge storage of data, so that they are not aware of the thought procedure which went inside like a flash, which in itself is a distinguished quality deserving more credit than "instinctiveness". So instinctiveness also fails with your knowledge, so basically nothing is fullproof. Its all a matter of choice, and you can probably see by now choice is but a chance. This or that, yin or yang. Something that you can not figure out beforehand, predict maybe, figure out never.

Hard work and tenacity will only get you so far, in the end lady luck decides. Dont believe me, (I couldnt care less), but well for the benefit of friends here is one example. Dice rolled and Bill Gates was born in US of A and not Ivory Coast (or perhaps some even smaller, unknown part of Africa). But what if Bill Gates were born in the Ivory Coast, than could he have gone on to be richest in the world? What would have happened to the computer world? (And please dont tell me Steve Jobs would have gone on to take the coveted no.1, I am sufficiently aware of Gates-Jobs rivalry) His destiny in some part was decided for him by choice of his birth, which in fact would have been something huge had it gone otherwise, and something in which he didnt have a say! Its always a endless spectrum of possibilities.

So I agree with The Verve its a bitter sweet symphony... do you still wonder why? Havent I made myself clear. As much as you would like being in control it is not something you can necessarily achieve. It is perhaps something similar to the endless pursuit of perfection.

A thought may stray across your head, bitter-sweet is alright but symphony? and I answer, of course. Isnt life a cycle of miraculous occurences, troughs and crests and with beauty strewn around. A journey, both happy and sad.
"There is nothing you can say that cant be sung"
And of course life rocks and so does music!!!