Description of SAIL MANAGEMENT TRAINEE (Tech) [Uncensored Version]

Very few things in this world gives as much satisfaction as poking fun at your job description.

A sub-specie of Homo sapiens; predominantly male, however, a few females (although ugly) are spotted every now and then and are usually surrounded by a crowd of males. There are no stable indicators of its appearance, since they come in all colours, shapes and sizes, but an average male is 5' 8" in height and an average female is 5' 0" in height.

Being a largely cold-blooded mammal, it does not venture outside in the heat of the day and remains lying on beds in air conditioned common rooms of places having Steel in their name (Eg. Steel House). It can also be found in any place that sells tea in a glass and cigarettes or well, most types of alcohol. These places constitute its summer habitat, which, if destroyed, will make it extremely difficult for them to survive the summer. In face of such a threat of extinction, The SAIL Management Trainees, migrate, in large numbers to other habitats, which maybe corporates or other PSU's, where AC rooms, tea stalls and alcohol are rampant.

Close examination reveals that A SAIL Management Trainee delights itself in singing songs, poking fun at others of its species, criticizing SAIL management, and plotting ways to change their species (the success rate is limited, but in another iteration of evolution, biologists believe, the success rate may increase by 5%).

Male SAIL Management Trainee is highly sought after mate for homo sapiens (because they are obscenely prosperous) residing in most regions of India. Mating commonly happens through parental arrangements and consents, followed by celebrated rituals (more commonly known as arranged marriage) and may involve some sort of dowry. It is although not uncommon for both male and female management trainees to enter into pre mating with partners without parental consent. Although, here their choice of a mate is very limited, and it is not uncommon for a management trainee to have a mate in a far away city (more commonly known as long distance relationships).

All current and future engineers, desirous of joining this specie are strongly advised against it.

P.S. I hope it makes a good read. I do not take credit for writing this post. The credit of turning a one liner joke into a full blown article belongs to my besty, Prachi. Let this be first of many things, that we write together... Cheerios!

Guide to Life!

Life, if you stop to inspect, is a series of incidents strategically following each other. I say strategically because I am being optimistic. If they are not strategic, they can be just as random as a roll of dice, so I would rather have someone knowing something about what the hell is happening all around us.

The only thing to remember is it is too short.

Dream, because dreams dont cost anything. Dont forget your dreams, never give up on them. On a day, when you are lying in dirt, beaten and bruised, and you can still remember your brightest dream and know its gonna happen, you will be alright. Either that, or well you have completely lost it.

Make friends. That is the only thing you earn in your life. Rest means nothing. Stand by your best friends, mostly. Take that extra drink, spill your guts! literally!

Remember your family. Be nice to your siblings. Forget grudges old and new with your parents. They will be gone before you know it. You will be glad if u do, or well extremely pissed!

Take that chance. If you want something go after it. Dont drift with the flow. If you know what you want, you are one of the few lucky ones. Even if you miss out, it is always better to take that chance! Although missing out can be hazardous to health. And I said take a chance, not roll a dice at some casino!

Travel. Reach out, expand your horizons. Remember the story of the nest bird.

Get drunk every once in a while. It clears your head. It shows you (and others!) what you really want, and what you really think. Do that tequila shot every now and then. (Its a shame nothing much can be done about the others.)

Be logical. Logic drives pretty much everything in this universe. It explains everything and it usually leads to a happy safe life. And it even drives the robots, so there you go!

Fall in love. It is one of the few times in life, where you can bear to be vulnerable. If you ever feel like defying logic, do it for the person you fall in love with. It is an experience you dont want to miss out on. Truly agonizing! :P

The only thing to remember is life is too short, so get busy living!

Yours Truly,
The Void

The Troublemakers in Chief

So my Quarterback says, "Whats the trouble chief"
"I have no idea my boy, but sure as hell I will find out."

And thats what we have been doing since then, me and my quarterback. Finding The Answer!! Sorry for the delay peeps... It is as we say in German A man's gotta do what he gotta do.
(But thats English protests my quarterback. Damn him, he cant read worth shit!)

Were we finding the trouble or creating is another matter and we will deal with that too. I have been a self proclaimed sexist for ages now. Why sexist? I will tell you a joke, I got it once or twice (or maybe 2000 times) in forwarded mail, that we all despise. You must have heard it...

Girls require money and time, this gives

Girls=MoneyxTime

And according to old dictum Time is Money.

Girls= MoneyxMoney = (Money) ^2

But Also money is the root of all Evil

This Gives

Girl= {sqr root(Evil)}^2= Evil

So Girls are basically evil. Telling you this joke doesnt make me a sexist, even my quarterback agrees (This must be simple if even he can understand it!!) Even liking this joke dont make me a sexist. What makes me a sexist is the fact that I believe it to be something worthy of Einstein! Even better than his work on General Relativity! It is one sparkler! (Which reminds me of the closest thing to this brilliant proof! Its definition of relativity by none other than Mr. Albert Einstein... "Talk to a pretty girl for an hour and it willl fee like a second, put a finger in flame for a second it will seem like eternity. That my friend is relativity!")

Now that we have established Girls are evil theory as the base of this post, I dont mind sharing with you the trouble me and my quarterback were facing was girl trouble. ( What are you doing man? Thus spoke my worthy quarterback at this point. Ignore him, he is a little upset. Its not his fault, things havent been going so well for him lately) We were fighting girls. (Not girls you dumbass, evil! says my quarterback. ~grin~ thats why he is my quarteback you know!!)

So I and my quarteback embark upon a quest, a quest of irradicating the good in our life and to embrace evil. A journey that so many before us have foolhardingly undertaken. Do we expect to tame evil? In retrospect this sounds really silly but we did hope so! We actually believed that we can conquer evil and make it our bytch! But damn it the evil consumed us, left us soul less.
(But you were the one who swallowed my soul, protests my quarteback. He is just babbling now, dont pay attention.) I believed I am the son of light and will vanquish the demons if and when we face them (But how can Satan be son of light, murmurs the Quarterback). I devised strategy, schemed, manuvered even manipulated. But to no extent, a greater evil than any of us can ever be rule on this earth. And she stands there in all her majesty and all we can do is but bow and accept our fate.


"So bow you fool" I shouted at my quarterback while thinking of kneeling. No reply came, and I look around and he is nowhere to be seen! I look up and see the soul less bastard at the helm of a flying chariot, lashing with a whip at dark horses. I had to strain to notice him, for sitting in the back in all her majesty was the Queen herself- The Supreme Evil!

Fucked Up?

Controversial title? Well I don’t give a damn.

Hostel life is much talked about, much idolized. People always tell you that they had some of their best times in hostel, or they learnt so much in the hostel. But for me, its been a wonderful epiphany to the slime we call the world.

This post is meant to be on love, so why in the hell am I talking about hostel life? Is it because the long tired hours that gave me an answer? Partly yes, but mainly because I have sampled so much, there is simply too much here for Void the cynic. I have refrained from using hostel life for posts simply because of the fact the identity of people involved matter a lot to me, and I have no wish to divulge them. I have inspected, permuted and combined but still I couldn’t find a way to keep their identities secret, because to any person of my hostel, each and every example will be painfully obvious. I just hope they stay on the strategy of ignoring this webpage or if they do venture across, for once don’t spread the word around. So lets get this post started.

Earlier, I never could have looked a person in their eyes and just simply lie. Hostel life taught me that. It also gave me time, the best thing that came out of getting stuck in this hell-hole and not having friends. You know up until a year ago, my friends were everything to me, then I let go. And things have changed, and suddenly the burden of feelings have lifted off my shoulders, I can be selfish, even rude if need be. And it doesn’t bother me, staying alone, sitting in front of the computer for so damn long that my eyes hurt, the head spin, and doing nothing but inspecting, everything. Just waiting and watching. And I learnt a lot, I needed the break that my third and (especially) the fourth semester provided me. It just slowed down things enough so I can relax and realize that I am going downwards and I must climb back. I also realized that the cynicism is drowning the hope inside of me. That good feeling that I am gonna be something great someday. And it happened. I found Q4R… I have started the climb back…

Hostel Life also gave me the treasure of e-books and movies. I happened to watch A Walk to Remember the other night, and darn, the movie is beautiful. And somehow somewhere I connected with it. For whatever reason as there maybe I understood much that was alien to me in a week since then, part of the reason why I have been idle. Anyway, coming back to the point…

“Love is like the wind, I cant see it but I can feel it.”

And the thing that I have been pondering about was love and soul mates, and existence of destiny. Is there really one perfect person for all of us? Are we all supposed to fall in love? Some vague memories come back to me of a piece that I have written about love, exactly where, I don’t remember but the essence was that to be able to fall in love you have to be a perfect 100, or perhaps, 90 and you make a hundred when you fall in love. 100 is not an age, but representative factor of state of perfection. Not everybody is there but everyone can get there. But you argue that people fall in love right and left, of course they do! You see that’s the point, the Romance, the passion dies… always. And hopefully what you are left with is trust and understanding. If you make it, you are perhaps 5% of the whole population, even lesser. I am willing to bet that more than 50% of couples either end up divorced, legally or otherwise. If you get the drift of what I mean….

A fourteen year old girl once said to me that I want to be married, and be in love till the end of my days, and not like my parents who sleep on the same bed but the love is lost. Or roughly that… I may have taken out a few suggestive phrases.

I believe the number to be at least 80%, but I have nothing to back me, no data. You live in a hostel and you look at the relationships around you. And there are weird facts. Like this couple, they are ethnically, culturally identical. I heard that sometime back when they were not a couple, both of them had categorically stated the other to be brother or sister as implied. On different occasions, yes, but stated as a fact. And yet around four months later they are consummating, in the literal sense!

Then there is this another couple, from what I know, they got together, then broke up, then I saw the guy assuring the girl that her back paper will be cleared, and darn it was cleared in revaluation! Amazing luck or money power? Either way they are back together.

(Note: Back papers can be cleared in our university, upon payment of certain amount of money through right channels)

Then there is the act of persuasion. From what I heard, some guys chased the girls. They were always there, trying to impress until the girls gave in.

Then there is this couple and for some reason it is the most talked about couple of the college, recently I had the opportunity to observe them closely. I can tell you this, they might have something deeper than most others, but the guy is definitely a fiend. But there is a lot of passion there… there is lot I must leave unsaid here, so you should really discard this one.

Then there is this guy, who speaks frankly. I spend money on her so that I can have sex with her. Awesome, if you ask me.

Then there is this couple, and they are really weird, both of them. The guy basically thinks that he is actually better than his girlfriend, looks-wise, and he could have gotten better deal. The girl says that there is no way that I will end up with this guy because my parents wont let me, I wont even ask them. They both claim to love the other one.

These are just a few lines; trust me to know more than that including some unmentionables. About them and others, and I have really inspected the dark side of the moon, rather closely. And I know that it really comes down to whether or not you want to go through with it or not. Out of the twenty odd relationships that I have seen, I don’t expect many to survive. And the ones that did, or will do wont be based on the love but others mitigating factors like for instance job. Girl gets in with Infosys, guy doesn’t get a job, they are over. Not exactly those facts, but you know what I mean. They will have to be equals, and its not just about the jobs. Equals as in how you see it, like imagine your better half and imagine it being part of your family, then imagine being part of his/her family, even if one of the two pictures is distorted, it wont fit. It also depends on the person, like me for instance, there is this need to bail out, get out of a relationship. To breathe free… The romance dies, but hopefully what you are left with is trust and understanding… and the romantic love that you dream of don’t really exist except perhaps in your imagination or for those 100 mark people. There is no happily ever after but a life, a real life, and a bytch of a life at that. And the best you can hope for is not the perfect 100, but for a someone who will be there, and someone for whom you will be there. As far as I am concerned, my heart is blocked, with an iceberg, I wont fall in love till I am sure that I can really prioritize the one girl…

The Toilet of Love

One of the most singular (and fundamental) experiences of life is being in a relationship. But what is even more singular (and even more fundamental) is the experience of getting dumped. In spite of the affect this post will have on my personal ratings, I think it is very important that I proceed, largely because, as an author it is quite fulfiling to be able to extract every ounce of misery from a topic.

Those who know me best, will agree that I am as averse to a relationship as two rival heavyweight boxers or Manchester United and Arsenal or Ferrari and Mclaren. And yet, very occasionally their paths cross. You see, as a young meddlesome fool, I made it a habit to jump from one ship to other, occasionally braving a foot in two different ones. And suddenly, out of nowhere, a whim and a fantasy, the wildest nightmares realized, I was in a relationship! "In!"(Read Trapped) My world crashed, smiles disappeared, arguments surfaced and by God if I ever could have committed a murder... well you know what I mean!

Those deep eyes that captivated me once, now appeared to resemble the basilisk eyes from the Harry Potter movie I had recently watched. And the sweet sound of her voice was suddenly so sweet, I was afraid of catching diabetes. The only thing that did not change was the importance of the phone in the relationship. Not so long ago, I kept hoping for it to ring so that I can hear the voice of my sweetheart. Now, I keep hoping for it to ring, so that she will finally shut up. At both times the phone calmed the seas for the ship to sail and I suddenly found myself committed. At this point, my thoughts go back to Abraham Lincoln. He had a heartbreak, then he went on to become president of USA and freed the slaves. I quite understand him now, he had tasted freedom and wanted everyone to have it. Oh captain, my captain! (If you don't know that's the opening line of a Walt Whitman poem, and of course quite fitting... captain as in captain of a "ship")

The new "committed" phase brought about new changes. I have seen people belonging to this phase, discussing wedding card designs, or the name of the kids. And of course there is the "duty". Duty is the fond name, that I have since given to the task of going to (not on, but to) a date. You see I found it much similar to going to work. "Duty". There are many similarities, though I still found dating worse. You cant obviously miss work unless your grandparents die, but the bad thing is even death wont get you off the date. She will of course insist on coming. Then if you are late to work(or to date), the angry tirade of boss is always better than the tears of a girl with whom you cant get away by saying sorry. And whatever you say is wrong anyway, and you cant shut up either. It is what is called getting caught between a rock and a hard place. And with your boss there is always an outside chance of just making a sex joke and if its really good you may even get a promotion for producing a productive environment. Of course, if you make a sex joke to your girlfriend you will invariably get the tirade of "mad dash to finish line" or "just about sex" depending on where you are in the relationship. Then there is a lot left to be said about things forced down our necks.

The biggest point of conflict was my best friend. "Surprisingly" she didn't like him, of course not. What was I thinking, having a best friend without consulting her. I am ordered to find new friends. Of course sweetie, that's what I will do. And then, your friends are no more helpful than your girlfriend. "She is cripping your style man!" comes the standard response. I usually ignore that and his suggestions, as good as they sound. Basically, it is being idiotic and reckless at the same time, if you take relationship advise from someone who finds it difficult to get anything (let alone humans) to go out with him.

There was a lot I always wanted to tell her, but the smile remain attached on my face just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I mean, well it was nice to have someone who can list all your shortcoming in under a minute, if you ever decide to strive to be a better person. And there was another reason too. Guys are "disgustoids", and it was nice having someone who doesn't wear their socks inside out after seven days of wearing them regular way or who doesn't eat like a pumba in a burger chugging contest and burps loudly afterwards. There are a couple of other reasons, but I don't think we should go there.

Then it happened, one fine evening, just as I was beginning to come out of despair of a hopeless bondage with few hours of stolen time with the guys. You can let your imagination wander if you really want to know how we were planning to spend the evening. Just as we were getting started, DING-DONG. That was the doorbell. And there she was, again, the girl uninterrupted. Or I should say the interrupting girl. Without preamble she marched in, and well then lost it. You see, when I said stolen I actually meant calling her with a silly excuse of studying or something. She screamed, not much unlike people in Ekta Kapoor's beloved K series do. (Another reason I despise k series, but thats another story for some other time), and I tried to explain that I was a good boyfriend (later I wondered, why the hell!). And then she pronounced, "Yeah well, guess what you are also an ex now."
I stood there "flushed", as she marched out of the door. I am still not sure whether I should have followed her. My best friend was the first to recover, he whooped and punched the air. I was still feeling horrible, guilty perhaps. But then I realized I am not upset.
Someone asked me "Shouldn't you go after her?"
"Nuh, don't think so."
"Yeah, you can just call her tomorrow and get together and sort it out."
"Nuh, I am not gonna call her." I didn't call her. She didn't call either.
"Are you gonna be alright,"
"Oh yes, lets get this party started," said I, recalling everyone to planned rituals. As silence dropped over the room, as CD changed, I thought to myself "After all, there are plenty of other fish in this toilet of love."

(I hope she didnt read this. Hey sweetheart, if you read this and you die of shock please dont come back to haunt me)

The Hole-y Umbrealla

Note: This Blog is now part of Void's Best of Me
When you live in Mumbai, you become as accustomed to rain as you are to the sun. Rain in July is like sun in the desert, it looms continuously, slow or furious, hardly relenting its furious siege of the city until the oceans scream and promise vengeance on ships that dare to stray. And more often than not, even that is not enough. In the moments the siege cease, dark clouds haunt the sky, reminding people of the coming battle. But it takes more than a bout of rain to dampen the spirits of Mumbai, the crowds barely diminish on the local trains or buses, although everyone seem to carry the identical black umbrellas. With the same instinct that you put up your hand to shield your face against ferocious sunrays, an umbrella shoots out, the shield against the relentless rain. A few other colors and patterns obviously stand out in an otherwise impeccable black wall formed along the pedestrian paths.

In this black wall, often a trusty umbrella adorned the role of a brick. Trusty to me, not to rain. When it comes to rain, my whims are harder to match than perhaps the most inarticulate of women. In a drizzle I might want my umbrella up and in a downpour I might want to get wet. I dont know, it all depends on the mood and of course the situation. And this umbrella never complains, just a trusty comrade, used for three months and then thrown aside in a box full of garbage that nobody uses, for the rest of the year. It never complains! It has never even betrayed.

One day sitting in a classroom full of boring people and an idiotic professor, I started tinkering with my trusty comrade and to my enormous surprise I found holes in the umbrella... although tiny ones, but holes none the less. And I wondered how is it still holding the rain. But with the class my mind drifted off the subject to other interesting things as I had just noticed Angelina Jolie peeking from the crude paper cover of somebody's notebook.

In the following days, many times it crossed my head to take a look at the umbrella again. But I didnt, perhaps as inseparable as it was, I never really considered it to be of great value. How often, how wrong are we. I like to tell myself it was because I always remembered the thing at the wrong time, and I just waited for the right time to come. Unfortunately at the right time, it never came back to me. And the hole-y umbrella continued the struggle against the relentless seige. Never once it betrayed me, always up and open whenever I needed to reach somewhere in dry state. A great comrade, a worthy possession. Each penny of the mere seventy bucks I paid for it, undervalued.

I look back today, at the turn of events as by my side lies the warrior. The handle seprated, the clothe coming apart, the bars bent. The finally defeated warrior. The failure is sudden and total, without any chance of repair.

You say to me, it was just an umbrella. Of course it was, but thats not the point, is it? The holes, the beaten exterior... signs of war... yet providing constant protection. Look around to see if you can find your "Hole-y Umbrella"
Note2: This blog post is written in jest.

The darkest secret of Satan

The reason why Satan never lost hold over Earth was because he has a dark secret, impervius to all the charms anyone else can place on. This secret is called manipulation. I write this, in contempt, for a special person, who has been in my life for many years and of course that person is the king of manipulation.


The art of manipulation takes many forms, the most common that I have found is a parent conjuring pretend monsters to instill fear in their minds like strangers who take away bad kids in a bag. Of course that manipulation borders on evil, and many will agree it to be good, but most manipulation arent that absolute. In fact the greatest trick is a series of small push and pull that you dont even feel.


Lying comes, naturally to certain people. Others are amused when they find a downright lie staring them in the face and some, like me, lose their temper. Over the years, I have walked with deceit and manipulation, a secret behind every whisper, and no sentence ever to mean what it sounds. And yet, I havent grown accustomed to it, I still believe those people and I still allow them to manipulate me to a state where I just lose it. I hate myself for it. I hate my heart to take control over my mind. I hate having to end up staring at the blank wall, and with crimson tears that never reach the eye. And yet with no one to share it with, it all bottles up inside, till I lose it.

The darkest secret of Satan was manipulation. It still is, and that is how he controls the world. Those few, who let their heart act for their brains, end up rather like me. A welled up anger, or is it depression, I know not. Lying, half truths, and other secrets that I quite never managed to understand, take the centerstage. Those, good at fluttery and manipulation win the battle, while others just dont care. And a small group battles on, for what we know to be a lost cause. But then, somebody once said

"No cause is a lost cause, until there is a fool left to fight for it."

Hope still drives me...