Fucked Up?

Controversial title? Well I don’t give a damn.

Hostel life is much talked about, much idolized. People always tell you that they had some of their best times in hostel, or they learnt so much in the hostel. But for me, its been a wonderful epiphany to the slime we call the world.

This post is meant to be on love, so why in the hell am I talking about hostel life? Is it because the long tired hours that gave me an answer? Partly yes, but mainly because I have sampled so much, there is simply too much here for Void the cynic. I have refrained from using hostel life for posts simply because of the fact the identity of people involved matter a lot to me, and I have no wish to divulge them. I have inspected, permuted and combined but still I couldn’t find a way to keep their identities secret, because to any person of my hostel, each and every example will be painfully obvious. I just hope they stay on the strategy of ignoring this webpage or if they do venture across, for once don’t spread the word around. So lets get this post started.

Earlier, I never could have looked a person in their eyes and just simply lie. Hostel life taught me that. It also gave me time, the best thing that came out of getting stuck in this hell-hole and not having friends. You know up until a year ago, my friends were everything to me, then I let go. And things have changed, and suddenly the burden of feelings have lifted off my shoulders, I can be selfish, even rude if need be. And it doesn’t bother me, staying alone, sitting in front of the computer for so damn long that my eyes hurt, the head spin, and doing nothing but inspecting, everything. Just waiting and watching. And I learnt a lot, I needed the break that my third and (especially) the fourth semester provided me. It just slowed down things enough so I can relax and realize that I am going downwards and I must climb back. I also realized that the cynicism is drowning the hope inside of me. That good feeling that I am gonna be something great someday. And it happened. I found Q4R… I have started the climb back…

Hostel Life also gave me the treasure of e-books and movies. I happened to watch A Walk to Remember the other night, and darn, the movie is beautiful. And somehow somewhere I connected with it. For whatever reason as there maybe I understood much that was alien to me in a week since then, part of the reason why I have been idle. Anyway, coming back to the point…

“Love is like the wind, I cant see it but I can feel it.”

And the thing that I have been pondering about was love and soul mates, and existence of destiny. Is there really one perfect person for all of us? Are we all supposed to fall in love? Some vague memories come back to me of a piece that I have written about love, exactly where, I don’t remember but the essence was that to be able to fall in love you have to be a perfect 100, or perhaps, 90 and you make a hundred when you fall in love. 100 is not an age, but representative factor of state of perfection. Not everybody is there but everyone can get there. But you argue that people fall in love right and left, of course they do! You see that’s the point, the Romance, the passion dies… always. And hopefully what you are left with is trust and understanding. If you make it, you are perhaps 5% of the whole population, even lesser. I am willing to bet that more than 50% of couples either end up divorced, legally or otherwise. If you get the drift of what I mean….

A fourteen year old girl once said to me that I want to be married, and be in love till the end of my days, and not like my parents who sleep on the same bed but the love is lost. Or roughly that… I may have taken out a few suggestive phrases.

I believe the number to be at least 80%, but I have nothing to back me, no data. You live in a hostel and you look at the relationships around you. And there are weird facts. Like this couple, they are ethnically, culturally identical. I heard that sometime back when they were not a couple, both of them had categorically stated the other to be brother or sister as implied. On different occasions, yes, but stated as a fact. And yet around four months later they are consummating, in the literal sense!

Then there is this another couple, from what I know, they got together, then broke up, then I saw the guy assuring the girl that her back paper will be cleared, and darn it was cleared in revaluation! Amazing luck or money power? Either way they are back together.

(Note: Back papers can be cleared in our university, upon payment of certain amount of money through right channels)

Then there is the act of persuasion. From what I heard, some guys chased the girls. They were always there, trying to impress until the girls gave in.

Then there is this couple and for some reason it is the most talked about couple of the college, recently I had the opportunity to observe them closely. I can tell you this, they might have something deeper than most others, but the guy is definitely a fiend. But there is a lot of passion there… there is lot I must leave unsaid here, so you should really discard this one.

Then there is this guy, who speaks frankly. I spend money on her so that I can have sex with her. Awesome, if you ask me.

Then there is this couple, and they are really weird, both of them. The guy basically thinks that he is actually better than his girlfriend, looks-wise, and he could have gotten better deal. The girl says that there is no way that I will end up with this guy because my parents wont let me, I wont even ask them. They both claim to love the other one.

These are just a few lines; trust me to know more than that including some unmentionables. About them and others, and I have really inspected the dark side of the moon, rather closely. And I know that it really comes down to whether or not you want to go through with it or not. Out of the twenty odd relationships that I have seen, I don’t expect many to survive. And the ones that did, or will do wont be based on the love but others mitigating factors like for instance job. Girl gets in with Infosys, guy doesn’t get a job, they are over. Not exactly those facts, but you know what I mean. They will have to be equals, and its not just about the jobs. Equals as in how you see it, like imagine your better half and imagine it being part of your family, then imagine being part of his/her family, even if one of the two pictures is distorted, it wont fit. It also depends on the person, like me for instance, there is this need to bail out, get out of a relationship. To breathe free… The romance dies, but hopefully what you are left with is trust and understanding… and the romantic love that you dream of don’t really exist except perhaps in your imagination or for those 100 mark people. There is no happily ever after but a life, a real life, and a bytch of a life at that. And the best you can hope for is not the perfect 100, but for a someone who will be there, and someone for whom you will be there. As far as I am concerned, my heart is blocked, with an iceberg, I wont fall in love till I am sure that I can really prioritize the one girl…