20 reasons not to fall in love!

Yay baby, the nasty post is back.

As I find myself tethering on the edge of a failed romance, I am thinking what the hell. So without preamble, lets have it...

(In a perfectly random order)

* There are a lot of flavors of ice cream out there. There is chocolate chip, there is vanilla, butter scotch, strawberry. Why would you wanna get stuck with one, so like Joey said in Friends Pilot episode, "Grab a spoon!".

* Ever heard of Amsterdam? If you fall in love, you can still probably make it to Amsterdam, to be able to enjoy the things that are legal there is a totally different issue.

* Love is a figment of your imagination.

* Think of all the women with loose morals! What will happen to them if guys like us keep falling in love. How will they survive! Its time you gave your humanitarian side a chance you know.

* Think of all the beers you wont be able to drink! (I am only at my best with 3 beers inside of me and more on the way!)

* As one of my best friends continuously reminds me, love is like a can of shaked up soda, just waiting to explode. In case it does explode, you wouldnt want to be in the way, would you?

* Freeeeeeeeeddddddddddddoooooooooooooooooooom!!! I cant stress this enough! (literally!) Why would you want to put limitations on yourself!

* The chief idea of falling in love is to help a person grow up. I strongly object to all forms of growing up! Trust me growing up is no fun!

* The "plus 1" factor. You are never alone! Its like a blood sucking leech is attached to you all the time, feeding on you continuously.

* Timing! What if you fall in love too early? Your life is ruined man! Think of all the places you wont be able to go, all the trips you wont be able to take! You may even end up getting married. What a perfectly horrendous idea. **shudders**

* The conspiracy theory. Love is just a conspiracy spread by girls and sponsored by corporates, to twist the poor guys' heads into a mess so they no longer can differentiate right from wrong. It is a whole process of training the guys to be good husbands! You will know what I mean if you have ever trained a dog and been in a relationship, the principles involved are pretty much the same.

* Vegas!! How can anybody think being in love is cooler than having a crazy no holds barred night in Vegas!

* A great man had this to say about women,

"The great question... which I have not been able to answer... is, "What... does a woman want?""
--Sigmund Freud

If the father of psychology cant answer that, what chance do you reckon you have?

* Think about this. Do you want to fall from a 10th floor of a building?
Forget the 10th floor. Imagine this. You are sitting on your living room couch. Do you want to fall down from that? Then why the hell would anybody want to fall in love is beyond me!

* People are pretty stupid as it is. Love just gives them a perfect reason to justify their stupidity! You know if I become president (a dear ambition of mine) some day, I will outlaw stupidity.

* The sparkling dream! You lose touch with reality, and start chasing something that doesnt probably exist. You become oblivious to so much, everything appears so rosy and wonderful that by the time you wake up you are in one huge pile of manure.

* Failure to accept reality is another side product of being in love. You are unable to accept the fact that your loved one may not be so perfect after all. Many people do, use and throw you know. No way to know for certain, why take the risk.

* Think of all the new girls turning 18 every day!

* Imagine this, you are driving 80 kmph on a highway. There is an intersection coming up, now if you are lost in the cuckooland, you wont slow down. If there is a truck coming up at right angles to you at the intersection, wham!
This is what happens in love, 90% of the time with consequences which I assure you are only more dangerous. Symptoms include loss of vision and purpose, temporary insanity etc.

* The top reason --- Potential Heartbreak.

I hope you enjoyed it, I will be back with more soon. Keep watching this space. The dedication for this post goes to the unparalleled genius of the truly awesome, Mr. Void.

(Yes, I am dedicating this to myself, you got a problem with that?)

Oh and on a totally unrelated issue, I declare opening of a complaint hotline. If you have a problem/disagreement with anything I write, please write it down on an A4 paper, fold it down, put it in an envelop. Write the topic to the envelop, address it to Complaints, Void Incorporated. Go to your pooper, and flush it down. I promise to ignore every flushed complaint.

I on behalf of Void Incorporated, wish you all a very pleasant day.

The Nasty Post

As I fight a fresh bout of depression/self-pity, I feel this is no reason to ruin my blog with pathetic and self deprecating mumblings. So I decided to go nasty instead... Welcome to the Nasty Post, and I hereby announce opening of a whole new tag and category-- The Nasty Ones!

I should begin by explaining what I mean by nasty. The first requisite for a post to be categorized as nasty is it should be "dripping" with sarcasm. It is a blatant attack on a system, person, idea, or basically any social crap that we have to put up with. Although not necessary, but I will try to put as much dark (or shallow) humor as possible to make it an excellent read.

To begin with the post..

I have been quoted as saying relationships are important because they help you grow and become a better person. Although I am starting doubt that, cuz walking down that lane again, I only have horrible ideas. But still, lets give being good a chance. There are many things that come as dowry in a relationship, even if it is 5 minutes of making out with a stranger or 10 mins of it, with a dear old friend while you are drunk. Whether its long distance or short, doesnt matter. This dowry is sometimes good, sometimes bad, just like everything in life. So what I will do is, take the 10 best items of the dowry and tell you why its good to be in a relationship. Next time you feel strained by a relationship or feel like dumping your significant other, come back and read this. Not that it will solve any of your problems, but I do hope it will give you one solid laugh.

So in perfectly random order

* You have a standing excuse to bail on stupid/boring plans your friends made or if you have to help them with something that you dont want to do

* Every guy has a feminine side, what better opportunity to do those things that you always wanted to do but cant because they are feminine. Your gf will love you for it.

* Increasing your visibility in the girl sororities

* Now that you are unavailable, it increases your rating with your dreamgirl, the one that you were always afraid to ask out. A recent study showed, people are always interested in what they cant have.

* If you play it cool and well enough, your parents dont bother you as much because they are curious about the long hours you spend talking on the phone, and they start being nice to you.

* It is one up on the brothers without girlfriends, and in those mean circles any sort of advantage is cool.

* Your kid cousins dont try to fix you up with their kid friends.

* My personal favorite: Its nice to have someone who can list all your shortcomings in under a minute, if you ever decide to strive to be a better person.

* It increases your cool quotient. In many circles it is considered lame to be single, and well cool to have a girlfriend. Like disc, for example, many wont let you enter without a female friend.

* And of course, the unmentionables! After all it is one step closer to the booty town thing we talked about earlier. ;)

I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. I seriously hope certain people will not suddenly find out about the existence of this webspace and log on to it, that can turn awkward. But if they do, let me just say, its all in good fun and nothing personal.

As always, with love

Yours Truly
Void

20 things to do before graduating

We are graduating in june(or nearabouts) this year, and we all will soon be one of those 9-5 job guys... or if considering recession... unemployed. Both are depressing, each one more than the other. This is the last fun part of your entire life. So what is the craziest thing you wanted to do but never had the balls to do... or thought insensible to do?

Here is my list... I have already done many of them.. but still

20) Tell a lecturer how stupid he is, when he confidently suggests a wrong thing.

19) Slap the stupid blighter in case he disagrees.

18) Tell my hod how gay he is.

17) Try drinking desi tharra (alcohol)

16) Get into a really nasty fight.

15) Get really drunk and sneak into girl's hostel!

14) Return of Bajrang Dal... (enough said!)

13) kill all biharis except kinetic bihari of corse... TI rules!

12) Start singing "you are not alone" by tears for fears loudly in examination hall.

11) Kill my old quarterback's "sister"!

10) Find the principal, grab him by both arms and shout "engines can't be made of plastic you fool"

9) Find our chairman, and say "You are fucking blind man... and so are your close circuit cameras"

8)Convince the english professor to attend english speaking classes.

7) Walk out of a lecture on the grounds that the lecturer is too stupid and even I can't teach him!

6) Have an unlimited booze party with strippers!

5) Spray paint "HOD('s name) is a loser all over the campus.

4) Give a seminar on lovelogy and the proper way to smooch... really the kids have it all wrong!

3) Have an ONS..

2) Find a job (with the market situation as it is, that actually is a crazy thing)

1)---CLASSIFIED---

I hope you enjoyed it, I will be back with more soon. Keep watching this space.

Luv
Void

The Three Months

People sometimes ask me why I dont publicise my blog? Its simply because then my blog will be public and I wont be able to get in all personal and stuff. Still I figure I need to write something really cool and nasty, that sounds more like me to get over all the stupid things I wrote in the last part.

One of the things about being twenty one and waiting on your real life to begin is, it is the best time to get into a relationship. The equation is really simple, you have three months left on college. So you try and find someone, have the fun part and get out. Thats like a normal relationship, right? Wrong, basically you have an exit coming up on the highway, and you know it is coming up three months down the line! You have it all planned, three months later you will move, definitely move to a new place and into new dynamics. The dynamics shift is what we are looking for.

To understand what I really mean, lets go back three and a half years. You are a young eighteen year old, walking in, the world is your oyster and all that crap teens believe in. You develop a crush in your first month, ask her out in the second, date her in the third, tolerate her in the fourth, fight her in the fifth and you dump her in the sixth. You still have three and a half years left at the place where you are stuck with the people you never want to see in your life! A lot can go wrong in the three and a half years! You can end up in same friend circle, your best friend can end up dating her, you can end up dating her best friend. That is not to mention all the jokes your friends are going to throw at your face when you two bump in a very public place (like the cafeteria!) It has crisis written all over it. You suddenly find out the life is a bytch, and you get four years training on exactly what kind of bytch the life is!

Or you can choose to skip that training. Believe me life being a bytch is a lesson you will learn without even trying. Life tries to screw you so bad and so much, that by the time four years are over your ass resembles the surface of a golf ball!

Now if you are dating outside your college, let us hope you are suitably located for that kind of thing. That you are living in the heart of the city, and your college workload allows you considerable freedom, then you can date someone who is not remotely connected to your college.
Or there is the LDRs, I am personally prejudiced against LDRs simply because they are lame and is basically not at all like being in a relationship but yeah, there is the LDR. Especially if the chick is in your hometown, your hometown is hundred miles from college and attendance is not so much compulsary. Otherwise they dont work.

But there is a downside to this, what happens is when you are dating someone outside the college that means you are not interested in girls in your vicinity. So what happens is the girls in your vicinity assume you are gay or DC. Now if you break up with the LDR or the gal outside college you get stuck in a no-women's-land zone, which is basically opposite of lesbian booty town. Comparing it with stats, there is 87% chance you will break up before you are 20 and 98% chance you will break up before 21. (Did you know 42% of all stats are made up on the spot?)

So how the three month period works.... In the forst month you locate a girl, calculate the stability and probability (forget the crush part). In the second month you date her, in the third month you create the distance. In the fourth month, but wait... there is no fourth month! You are out of college, just change sims, block her from facebook and orkut and you are done. Or if you dont want to be nasty, you can just keep on increasing the distance, using the shifting dynamics as an excuse, till the elastic limit is reached, plastic deformation occurs and yield point is reached (sorry I am a mechanical engineer!)

Now, why the three month period is crucial. First and foremost WE LIVE IN INDIA, by the time the girl is finishing her four year course their is a eighty percent likelihood her parents are trying to get her married! Even if they are not, the marriage is not distant at all. The girls are looking for freedom and life saviors. Second reason is well, near the end, ends happen! Lot of vulnerable people out there! Third reason is you are stepping into a grownup world, younger chicks dig that. Vulnerability is not just about relationships being over, people also get scared before any new beginnings, like first day of school, first day of college, the first day of real life is approaching!! Run! Run for your lives!!

But the most important reason is people go crazy near graduation. There is simply too much fun that was there in your college life, so in the dying moments you want to have as much of it as possible. You have dreams (not the academic ones you idiot), thoughts, you wanted to accomplish! I shit you not, girls have fantasies about things they want to do before leaving college that will make your head spin! If you get inside it is very close to lesbian booty town! ;)

Have fun and please hook up!

Love
Void

P.S. I humbly dedicate this post to awesome and "legen.... wait for it..... dary (legendary)" Barney Stinson. Go read the Barney's Blog for more wisdom!

The Troublemakers in Chief

So my Quarterback says, "Whats the trouble chief"
"I have no idea my boy, but sure as hell I will find out."

And thats what we have been doing since then, me and my quarterback. Finding The Answer!! Sorry for the delay peeps... It is as we say in German A man's gotta do what he gotta do.
(But thats English protests my quarterback. Damn him, he cant read worth shit!)

Were we finding the trouble or creating is another matter and we will deal with that too. I have been a self proclaimed sexist for ages now. Why sexist? I will tell you a joke, I got it once or twice (or maybe 2000 times) in forwarded mail, that we all despise. You must have heard it...

Girls require money and time, this gives

Girls=MoneyxTime

And according to old dictum Time is Money.

Girls= MoneyxMoney = (Money) ^2

But Also money is the root of all Evil

This Gives

Girl= {sqr root(Evil)}^2= Evil

So Girls are basically evil. Telling you this joke doesnt make me a sexist, even my quarterback agrees (This must be simple if even he can understand it!!) Even liking this joke dont make me a sexist. What makes me a sexist is the fact that I believe it to be something worthy of Einstein! Even better than his work on General Relativity! It is one sparkler! (Which reminds me of the closest thing to this brilliant proof! Its definition of relativity by none other than Mr. Albert Einstein... "Talk to a pretty girl for an hour and it willl fee like a second, put a finger in flame for a second it will seem like eternity. That my friend is relativity!")

Now that we have established Girls are evil theory as the base of this post, I dont mind sharing with you the trouble me and my quarterback were facing was girl trouble. ( What are you doing man? Thus spoke my worthy quarterback at this point. Ignore him, he is a little upset. Its not his fault, things havent been going so well for him lately) We were fighting girls. (Not girls you dumbass, evil! says my quarterback. ~grin~ thats why he is my quarteback you know!!)

So I and my quarteback embark upon a quest, a quest of irradicating the good in our life and to embrace evil. A journey that so many before us have foolhardingly undertaken. Do we expect to tame evil? In retrospect this sounds really silly but we did hope so! We actually believed that we can conquer evil and make it our bytch! But damn it the evil consumed us, left us soul less.
(But you were the one who swallowed my soul, protests my quarteback. He is just babbling now, dont pay attention.) I believed I am the son of light and will vanquish the demons if and when we face them (But how can Satan be son of light, murmurs the Quarterback). I devised strategy, schemed, manuvered even manipulated. But to no extent, a greater evil than any of us can ever be rule on this earth. And she stands there in all her majesty and all we can do is but bow and accept our fate.


"So bow you fool" I shouted at my quarterback while thinking of kneeling. No reply came, and I look around and he is nowhere to be seen! I look up and see the soul less bastard at the helm of a flying chariot, lashing with a whip at dark horses. I had to strain to notice him, for sitting in the back in all her majesty was the Queen herself- The Supreme Evil!

Fucked Up?

Controversial title? Well I don’t give a damn.

Hostel life is much talked about, much idolized. People always tell you that they had some of their best times in hostel, or they learnt so much in the hostel. But for me, its been a wonderful epiphany to the slime we call the world.

This post is meant to be on love, so why in the hell am I talking about hostel life? Is it because the long tired hours that gave me an answer? Partly yes, but mainly because I have sampled so much, there is simply too much here for Void the cynic. I have refrained from using hostel life for posts simply because of the fact the identity of people involved matter a lot to me, and I have no wish to divulge them. I have inspected, permuted and combined but still I couldn’t find a way to keep their identities secret, because to any person of my hostel, each and every example will be painfully obvious. I just hope they stay on the strategy of ignoring this webpage or if they do venture across, for once don’t spread the word around. So lets get this post started.

Earlier, I never could have looked a person in their eyes and just simply lie. Hostel life taught me that. It also gave me time, the best thing that came out of getting stuck in this hell-hole and not having friends. You know up until a year ago, my friends were everything to me, then I let go. And things have changed, and suddenly the burden of feelings have lifted off my shoulders, I can be selfish, even rude if need be. And it doesn’t bother me, staying alone, sitting in front of the computer for so damn long that my eyes hurt, the head spin, and doing nothing but inspecting, everything. Just waiting and watching. And I learnt a lot, I needed the break that my third and (especially) the fourth semester provided me. It just slowed down things enough so I can relax and realize that I am going downwards and I must climb back. I also realized that the cynicism is drowning the hope inside of me. That good feeling that I am gonna be something great someday. And it happened. I found Q4R… I have started the climb back…

Hostel Life also gave me the treasure of e-books and movies. I happened to watch A Walk to Remember the other night, and darn, the movie is beautiful. And somehow somewhere I connected with it. For whatever reason as there maybe I understood much that was alien to me in a week since then, part of the reason why I have been idle. Anyway, coming back to the point…

“Love is like the wind, I cant see it but I can feel it.”

And the thing that I have been pondering about was love and soul mates, and existence of destiny. Is there really one perfect person for all of us? Are we all supposed to fall in love? Some vague memories come back to me of a piece that I have written about love, exactly where, I don’t remember but the essence was that to be able to fall in love you have to be a perfect 100, or perhaps, 90 and you make a hundred when you fall in love. 100 is not an age, but representative factor of state of perfection. Not everybody is there but everyone can get there. But you argue that people fall in love right and left, of course they do! You see that’s the point, the Romance, the passion dies… always. And hopefully what you are left with is trust and understanding. If you make it, you are perhaps 5% of the whole population, even lesser. I am willing to bet that more than 50% of couples either end up divorced, legally or otherwise. If you get the drift of what I mean….

A fourteen year old girl once said to me that I want to be married, and be in love till the end of my days, and not like my parents who sleep on the same bed but the love is lost. Or roughly that… I may have taken out a few suggestive phrases.

I believe the number to be at least 80%, but I have nothing to back me, no data. You live in a hostel and you look at the relationships around you. And there are weird facts. Like this couple, they are ethnically, culturally identical. I heard that sometime back when they were not a couple, both of them had categorically stated the other to be brother or sister as implied. On different occasions, yes, but stated as a fact. And yet around four months later they are consummating, in the literal sense!

Then there is this another couple, from what I know, they got together, then broke up, then I saw the guy assuring the girl that her back paper will be cleared, and darn it was cleared in revaluation! Amazing luck or money power? Either way they are back together.

(Note: Back papers can be cleared in our university, upon payment of certain amount of money through right channels)

Then there is the act of persuasion. From what I heard, some guys chased the girls. They were always there, trying to impress until the girls gave in.

Then there is this couple and for some reason it is the most talked about couple of the college, recently I had the opportunity to observe them closely. I can tell you this, they might have something deeper than most others, but the guy is definitely a fiend. But there is a lot of passion there… there is lot I must leave unsaid here, so you should really discard this one.

Then there is this guy, who speaks frankly. I spend money on her so that I can have sex with her. Awesome, if you ask me.

Then there is this couple, and they are really weird, both of them. The guy basically thinks that he is actually better than his girlfriend, looks-wise, and he could have gotten better deal. The girl says that there is no way that I will end up with this guy because my parents wont let me, I wont even ask them. They both claim to love the other one.

These are just a few lines; trust me to know more than that including some unmentionables. About them and others, and I have really inspected the dark side of the moon, rather closely. And I know that it really comes down to whether or not you want to go through with it or not. Out of the twenty odd relationships that I have seen, I don’t expect many to survive. And the ones that did, or will do wont be based on the love but others mitigating factors like for instance job. Girl gets in with Infosys, guy doesn’t get a job, they are over. Not exactly those facts, but you know what I mean. They will have to be equals, and its not just about the jobs. Equals as in how you see it, like imagine your better half and imagine it being part of your family, then imagine being part of his/her family, even if one of the two pictures is distorted, it wont fit. It also depends on the person, like me for instance, there is this need to bail out, get out of a relationship. To breathe free… The romance dies, but hopefully what you are left with is trust and understanding… and the romantic love that you dream of don’t really exist except perhaps in your imagination or for those 100 mark people. There is no happily ever after but a life, a real life, and a bytch of a life at that. And the best you can hope for is not the perfect 100, but for a someone who will be there, and someone for whom you will be there. As far as I am concerned, my heart is blocked, with an iceberg, I wont fall in love till I am sure that I can really prioritize the one girl…

The Toilet of Love

One of the most singular (and fundamental) experiences of life is being in a relationship. But what is even more singular (and even more fundamental) is the experience of getting dumped. In spite of the affect this post will have on my personal ratings, I think it is very important that I proceed, largely because, as an author it is quite fulfiling to be able to extract every ounce of misery from a topic.

Those who know me best, will agree that I am as averse to a relationship as two rival heavyweight boxers or Manchester United and Arsenal or Ferrari and Mclaren. And yet, very occasionally their paths cross. You see, as a young meddlesome fool, I made it a habit to jump from one ship to other, occasionally braving a foot in two different ones. And suddenly, out of nowhere, a whim and a fantasy, the wildest nightmares realized, I was in a relationship! "In!"(Read Trapped) My world crashed, smiles disappeared, arguments surfaced and by God if I ever could have committed a murder... well you know what I mean!

Those deep eyes that captivated me once, now appeared to resemble the basilisk eyes from the Harry Potter movie I had recently watched. And the sweet sound of her voice was suddenly so sweet, I was afraid of catching diabetes. The only thing that did not change was the importance of the phone in the relationship. Not so long ago, I kept hoping for it to ring so that I can hear the voice of my sweetheart. Now, I keep hoping for it to ring, so that she will finally shut up. At both times the phone calmed the seas for the ship to sail and I suddenly found myself committed. At this point, my thoughts go back to Abraham Lincoln. He had a heartbreak, then he went on to become president of USA and freed the slaves. I quite understand him now, he had tasted freedom and wanted everyone to have it. Oh captain, my captain! (If you don't know that's the opening line of a Walt Whitman poem, and of course quite fitting... captain as in captain of a "ship")

The new "committed" phase brought about new changes. I have seen people belonging to this phase, discussing wedding card designs, or the name of the kids. And of course there is the "duty". Duty is the fond name, that I have since given to the task of going to (not on, but to) a date. You see I found it much similar to going to work. "Duty". There are many similarities, though I still found dating worse. You cant obviously miss work unless your grandparents die, but the bad thing is even death wont get you off the date. She will of course insist on coming. Then if you are late to work(or to date), the angry tirade of boss is always better than the tears of a girl with whom you cant get away by saying sorry. And whatever you say is wrong anyway, and you cant shut up either. It is what is called getting caught between a rock and a hard place. And with your boss there is always an outside chance of just making a sex joke and if its really good you may even get a promotion for producing a productive environment. Of course, if you make a sex joke to your girlfriend you will invariably get the tirade of "mad dash to finish line" or "just about sex" depending on where you are in the relationship. Then there is a lot left to be said about things forced down our necks.

The biggest point of conflict was my best friend. "Surprisingly" she didn't like him, of course not. What was I thinking, having a best friend without consulting her. I am ordered to find new friends. Of course sweetie, that's what I will do. And then, your friends are no more helpful than your girlfriend. "She is cripping your style man!" comes the standard response. I usually ignore that and his suggestions, as good as they sound. Basically, it is being idiotic and reckless at the same time, if you take relationship advise from someone who finds it difficult to get anything (let alone humans) to go out with him.

There was a lot I always wanted to tell her, but the smile remain attached on my face just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I mean, well it was nice to have someone who can list all your shortcoming in under a minute, if you ever decide to strive to be a better person. And there was another reason too. Guys are "disgustoids", and it was nice having someone who doesn't wear their socks inside out after seven days of wearing them regular way or who doesn't eat like a pumba in a burger chugging contest and burps loudly afterwards. There are a couple of other reasons, but I don't think we should go there.

Then it happened, one fine evening, just as I was beginning to come out of despair of a hopeless bondage with few hours of stolen time with the guys. You can let your imagination wander if you really want to know how we were planning to spend the evening. Just as we were getting started, DING-DONG. That was the doorbell. And there she was, again, the girl uninterrupted. Or I should say the interrupting girl. Without preamble she marched in, and well then lost it. You see, when I said stolen I actually meant calling her with a silly excuse of studying or something. She screamed, not much unlike people in Ekta Kapoor's beloved K series do. (Another reason I despise k series, but thats another story for some other time), and I tried to explain that I was a good boyfriend (later I wondered, why the hell!). And then she pronounced, "Yeah well, guess what you are also an ex now."
I stood there "flushed", as she marched out of the door. I am still not sure whether I should have followed her. My best friend was the first to recover, he whooped and punched the air. I was still feeling horrible, guilty perhaps. But then I realized I am not upset.
Someone asked me "Shouldn't you go after her?"
"Nuh, don't think so."
"Yeah, you can just call her tomorrow and get together and sort it out."
"Nuh, I am not gonna call her." I didn't call her. She didn't call either.
"Are you gonna be alright,"
"Oh yes, lets get this party started," said I, recalling everyone to planned rituals. As silence dropped over the room, as CD changed, I thought to myself "After all, there are plenty of other fish in this toilet of love."

(I hope she didnt read this. Hey sweetheart, if you read this and you die of shock please dont come back to haunt me)