Long Due..

So I have been slacking in blogging, but so what? I mean come on, its only the side product of being busy, what with my two wives... Sandhya and Q4R.

Sandhya, or Sandy (since we have gotten so cozy close) is an absolute bytch, I mean what is with being there over my head all the time. Cant you just cut me some slack, but then I love her to death and thats again a side product of love. Busy...

And then Q4R which is an even bigger one if that is at all possible, so I am doing double shift. Days to Q4R and nights to Sandy. And you ask what happened to that simpleton I am legally married to? Of course you wont remember that I hate her. She is absolutely no use, but a man must do what he has to do, so my legal wife, is on a vaccation or rather that I am on a vaccation from her. But by God if ever there were a vaccation like this with swift dwindling accounts and high rising blood pressure, zero phone balance and emptiness it will sell out faster than sweets on Diwali eve. Alas you have to be The Void to have that....

And between the three wives I am torn and busy... but my legal wife is tolerant of Q4R and is ignorant of Sandy, Q4R knows the legal complexities coming with having a legal wife, so she is tolerant of her but is again ignorant of Sandy. Sandy is the absolute bytch, she knows nothing, hears nothing and demands everything. No wonder I love her the most. And it is not just Sandy, but the sidekicks that come with her, I love them too. And in this disaster of polygamy my friends have grown sarcastic and family well... its better not to involve family in the blogs!! It only results in chaos.

So here you are, the reason of my messed up life. Is all good in the hood. You see friendship is tricky but romance is downright evil. It gnaws and sucks on you till nothing is left of you but a shadow, or an empty space-The Void. But here is a thought thats been in my mind for sometime now, and the root of all troubles as I can see

"A friend to all is a friend to none."

In what context I say this will take another lengthy bitching post, and I have realized that one of my many possible downfalls can be the bitching, so I am taking a break from bitching, and thats enough bitching, so I wil quit bitching, and leave. Ciao!!

Choices Revisited

Life, according to Quantam Physics, is but a chance. A chance which way the dice will roll. A chance whether the toss of coin will dish out head or tails. And the choice is whether you called out heads or tails, or which number you put your money on. This is what life is, a casino of bets. Some choices are simple but then the simple choices dont reward as much. The bigger the stakes are, more complex it gets. And sometimes its choice between two rights, according to two people. Or like Rowling said, between what is easy and what is right.




And people do succumb to the choices that are easy, or the ones that somebody else (read parents) chose for them. It is inevitable, and people shouldnt really be blamed for lack of spine. They are the way they are, perhaps having a simple life is their way to deal with shit. Or the most common of all they dont choose but let the fate take its course, so they dont win or loose but just drift with the flow of tide. I would say that is the wise decison, at least as far as probability goes, which by the way accounts for more than you care to know. But the fact remains.... and it bites and bites deep

The fact that people dont care or commit to things in a way that they should. That they make life impossible for their colleagues, that they turn a blind eye to magnanimity or importance of the situation and chose to drift. And the shocking thing about it is they do it in spite of the ability to perform better. Its their inherent lack to understand simplest things in life or the inability to sort out their priorties. It drives me to despair. I have been rarely as frustrated as I am right now. And I want to give up but my bestie says my heart will bleed if I do that. And I dont know whether I will be able to or not, but my better judgment says that I should. Not because of probability stacked up so high against me, but because of having to operate with people who always find the wrong person to shout at (which happens to be me). I am not perfect but I will be damned if I dont know my priroties. The difference and the salvation both lie in commitment, and that remains my problem. I dont know how to make them see my point of view, I dont know how we will ever survive this tirade of pathetic working habits, the communication gap and the lack of commitment. It will come down to choice whether they accept the harsh reality or not...

Maybe I will write in my next post in detail why I quit the quest for redemption (Q4R), or why the team threw me out or why they bailed. Or maybe, just maybe they will understand....

The Quest for Redemption

This one goes out to my team....

You cant seriously expect me to publicly mention what exactly is the quest for redemption, but I will instead share two of the most memorable experiences of my life.

December 2005- January 2006

It was somewhere 28th or 29th, I received an email from IIT Bombay, they said that I have been shortlisted for a workshop and competition on Computational Fluid Dynamics, CFD for short. As it happened I did not know anything about fluid dynamics, so through January I studied hard, put in a lot of effort and went for the workshop. On January the 20th, in a classroom full of people from top colleges of India, the NITS and Dr. Atul Sharma of Aerospace Department, IIT Bombay, a first year student of a virtually unknown college raised his hand to tell everyone that he is the only first year student, from a virtually unknown college. I further confirmed I have had no training in fluid mechanics, the 35 people in that room except for me laughed openly, including the professor. By the end of the day nobody was laughing, as I was among the ten students, who made it to the second round. By the end of the second day, people older than me and from better colleges came to me for advise, and by the end of the third day, at completion of the workshop, I had wrapped up the competition and praise from Mr. Sharad Purohit, the director of CDAC. I also got to use ParamPadma, India's fastest supercomputer, ranked just over 100th in all of the world!

On that day I decided I will return to IIT Bombay for the techfest every single year. I was determined to win the biggest competition of the fest. I did make a team and we did participate in Techfest 2007 but didnt win, performed well in our own eyes but not well enough to justify the expenditure.

Three Days ago

The three members from the old team were sitting in my room and discussing the current endeavor. I for the fun of it, found the old drawings that we made last year, for the 2007 Techfest, and seeing those drawing, reduced us to fits of laughter. They are such crap, seriously useless, yet back then those drawing made infinite sense to us. Same goes for a lot of other work. So listen to me, for what I have to say is very important, it was a learning curve. And it still is, we dont claim to know the answers, but we want to find them. Its not about knowing but finding out, and giving your best.

That is what every competition is all about. Setbacks and crappy work comes with being new to any project, and it will pass and hopefully you too like us will look back at these days and laugh about it. Believe me when I tell you that this is going to be the most rewarding experience of your lives. People are always going to tell you that you cant do it, because they didnt do it themselves. It is going to be tough, not all the answers that you want will be staring you in your face but buried beneath mounds of dirt, that you will have to dig. It will come down to commitment, how much time and energy you are going to put in it. Whether you will put it above everything else that you have in life, or will you give excuses of from the everything else in your life to not do your share of work. I know each and everyone of you, and I know you well, even if I never spoke to you before but I know that you are capable of doing whatever it is that is your work. Never lose hope, or the faith in yourself. Also remember, that one person alone can undo the good work of all the others, if one part fails the whole thing will fail. So just keep your head down, and keep working hard because like our Web Designer said The Worst is Yet to Come.

Lost Here Somewhere

For those who want to know, yes I am still alive.
And while I am at it a shout goes out to two or three people who have graced this blog by their continuos presence.
The second coming that I planned has been postponed more than I thought, but then things always move along at a slower pace than we expect, unless its something we are dreading.
Look out for the second coming around 10th of this month, no promises, but worth a check.
Cheerioz

Mr. Void, The Cynic

This one is for you...

I was talking to my besty today and we suddenly jumped from astrology to introspection and to blogging. Long and short of the story is she said that I should write one about myself, in which I introspect. I thought noway, not that I ever listen to myself. Anywho, against my better judgment I will write this, as a mark of how much that one single friend means to me.

I call myself a cynic, repeatedly. That doesnt make me a cynic, and that is not even important. What is important is the underlying desire to be one, for it is true that I wish to be a cynic. Forget the dictionaries, for me a cynic is someone who covers up the irony of his life in jest and present them in a manner so ridiculous that nobody sees the pain. For me cynic is a person that laughs at other people's misery not because he finds misery amusing but he sees similarities or ironies that other people cant and laughing is his way to deal with emotional surcharge rushing through him. A cynic to me, is the deepest reader of civilization, and of humans that forces him to mistrust one and all.

The underlying desire to be a cynic comes from my deepest, darkest fears. The feeling gets prominent with shadows crossing over. Small incidents, if inspected individually are probably harmless, but accumulated over the time claws and eats you inside. Only the best of persons have control over their darkest fears, these are probably the chosen few. There is another category that I totally despise and these are manipulators, who give in to their fears and work to achieve the opposite. These are the world leaders, these are probably the most successful people in the world. There are also people who just crumble under their insecurities, the weaklings, the simpletons. And then there are cynics, as painful as it is, they just swerve the link on which the fear is based and they decide that one way or the other it doesnt matter. But the truth is that the link cant be broken, and there is a stabbing pain whenever the shadow crosses confirming the side. But the pain comes and goes and cynics stand their ground unaffected in the long run.

But the truth is I am not a cynic and that there is a part in me that dont want me to end up a cynic. This is the part that gives me faith, and the immeasurable hope that I have, which is all I have. The courage comes and goes, but hope often helps in overcoming the fears, hardwork happens (although not always) and I find myself standing.

A few stand by me, but I find it so very difficult to trust anybody, to bare my soul. There are always half truths, reality covered in jest and fiction and things roll. As Void, the author, it has always been very important to me to hide the identities of people I mention in my blog because they are real people with emotions and feelings and not all react the same way to being exposed to the world. Sometimes I take the hit, in order that someone else's identity or secret may be preserved. My blogs are a lot manipulated. Am I mysterious, no I am not. I dont want to be, but it is equally important to preserve someone else's secrets. Although I am a little bit superstitious about not speaking about a thing till it has launched, and that I prefer to work away from prying eyes. I have made the mistakes about it in the past and found my work difficult when people watched me. I also dont answer unasked questions. So if you think that I am being mysterious perhaps you are not asking the right question.

There was a time when I really thought that the most important thing in my life was to have friends, now I dont. Now I yearn for success and for withering heights. To reach the top and give it all up to become an author. I yearn for experience that life will give me. But there is somthing that I yearn for beyond all, something that I will not mention today, because it doesnt fit the twenty year old Void. I also yearn for a quick exit from this world, twenty more years is the most I want to live.

I smoke, not because I want the death to come early. I want the quick exit but not a painful one, anyway that is not the point. I smoke because that is the few moments of true freedom that I have from this world. I smoke because it relieves my mind, sometimes just because I am bored but mostly because of the freedom. I drink for the same reasons, but I hate getting drunk. I hate to lose my control so I am not so hot on drinking.

One more thing about myself is I hate making mistakes, simplest of mistakes like saying Good Morning in the evening or getting excited or simply getting nerdy. And I berate myself for making these mistakes. I am fairly lazy and can be termed borderline reckless. But I am not irresponsible. I get things done and on time! I am usually punctual, except for the classes, which I can never get on time to.

I dont like people who dump their troubles all over someone else, and play the blame games. Dumping your troubles over someone else doesnt mean talking to a friend to regain some strength or some sense of direction. But I absolutely hate people who just have problems and those who never come through for you in your troubles. I am also repelled by people who speak a lot of themselves or try and impress others especially with money or possessions. But above all I hate those people who always tell you that you are their best friend, they love you to bits but when it matters you are left alone, and I have loads of them!

On Veganism, I would love you if you are a vegan but non veganism is hardly the biggest problem the world is facing. On God, I am my God and work is worship. On diplomacy, will never understand it.

I seriously hope you got what you wanted cuz I am not going to make another attempt. Introspection, huh? I know myself, if there is one thing I am sure of, that is it.

The Losing Battle

"So do all, who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

(Gandalf to Frodo Baggins, in Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring in response to Frodo's continued desire Frodo and Gandalf in mines of Moria,Precisely the scene
where this dialogue was exchanged
to not bear the ring of power. To the best of my belief the line was only in the movie and not in the book)

Dont we all wish something of that sort, perhaps not of that magnitude? The reason that Lord of the Rings remain etched in my memory as the finest book ever written, is the fact they all stepped up to fight a battle they never thought they could win. From Frodo, who takes up the ring of power and journey without the aid of the more seasoned campaigners to the Strider, who marches to a fight that he will lose so that somebody else can win. And they were united, their power lay in courage of their hearts, and strength of their brotherhood. They bowed not to some invisible power, but met their dooms head on without fear. And yet suffered defeat in victory, Princess Arwen to Samwise Gamgee, who won and yet lost. No story was ever told, that was so riddled with grief, the bravery at its best. To fight a battle that you can not win and then smile in loss, in hope for someone else to enjoy that victory. I bow to you, Mr. Tolkien for providing us with an epic that will remain etched in our hearts till we breath.


The Strider, Aragorn, Elessar... He goes by many names
There is another incident, another phenomena that elated our hearts, much in the same way as Tolkien. His name wasMichael Schumacher.There was an incident, three years ago. It was Chinese Grandprix. Schumi having taken the bull by its horns had stormed his way atop the leader board with a comfortable lead. His championship was secure, then Chinese Grand Prix happened. With the worst luck that any driver ever could have, from punctured tyres to collisions, nothing that was his fault and he found himself at the bottom. And with nothing to prove and no battle that he could possibly win, he drove out of the pits, new tyres and everything and started setting scorchers of laps. On the last lap of the grandprix, he set the absolute fastest lap, a record that still holds. He finished thirteenth. He need not have done it, he could have just gone to pits and had a cold drink and nobody would have thought any less of him. Yet he raced, with ghosts perhaps just to prove something to himself. As luck would have it, next year he was riddled with a car that Schumi storming in Monaco
couldnt have won him any championships. Yet he fought, he raced with faster cars, defended, and lost and yet stepped out smiling waving to loyal fans as opposed to hiscompatriots who just vent their anger after being thrown out of a race. He bowed out, without the no.1 that he held for five years in succession and seven years in all. Thanks for inspiring us Schumi, for entertaining us and for fighting the losing battles...

And this is what life is about fighting those battles that you will eventually loose. A quest that leads only to defeat and leaves you to find little victories in a larger loss. Remember, when you wish things were different, you are not the only one. People who accomplished great things thought the same, and yet they marched to their eventual defeats, and found little success. Remember, the bravery at its best is to fight the losing battle, to lose it and still smile. Everything else that comes your way is just a bonus...

Hope must drive you....

Friendship Day Tribute 2: My Dark Side

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed." ---Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

As an author you always tend to suck on misery to get a feeling for scope of a situation. And as it happens, the misery thrives on details and the finer points. Unfortunately, unless you have an extraordinary sense of observation, the memories as rich in detail only comes from personal experiences. So here we are, waiting to dissect another episode of my life. I found it very difficult to dig in and find cynism so it might not be as funny but the humor is there. The Dark Humor.

When I am not in a relationship, I usually bitch and moan about how there are no good single girls in my neighborhood. And when some one is actually crazy enough to go out with me, I count faults faster than the note counting machine. After a few days of togetherness I duck, jump and hide in every futile attempt to avoid commitment. Failing thus, I try and sabotage the relationship. Most of it goes on in the head, the subconscious some idiots are calling it now. There were two incidents in my life, where my commitment fearing self couldnt see past the self imposed barriers and ended up hurting people that actually cared about me. These two are of the four people I omitted from my Friendship Day Tribute. I dont know why, but I think that they are important in some other context.

The first one, Dash I had called her the last of the times I mentioned her with my besty. Dash as in a hyphen or blank, not a surname. It was before I had the desire to be in a relationship. As it happened that my besty was head over heels in love with this dash girl. I on the other hand, enjoyed a slightly more than cordial relationship with her. My thoughts obviously were with my besty, as we plotted schemes to get them together. They backfired, ricocheted of the walls surrounding her. But we never lost heart, for three months we planned and schemed. Until my father told me that he has been transferred. And I remember quite well that, before her no girl had ever occupied my mind so much, not after school hours anyway. A few days before my departure the dash came upto me, tied a friendship band on my wrist. I was surprised to see her crying. I didnt figure out for ages, what that was all about. We werent that close! She said some heavy dialogue that just went above my head. In that chaos I left. Well, my defense is boys are idiots.

The second one, I sabotaged classically. There was this plain gorgeous girl, who was actually mad enought to go out with me, and I never paid any attention to her. I wouldnt listen to her, I constantly ditched her for other friends. Althoug we did manage some extremely touching conversations. I always run short of words whenever I speak of her...

Softly Now, You owe it to the world
And everyone knows that you're my favourite girl
But there's some things in life that are not meant to be
I'm not meant for you and your not meant for me
Here's to our problems
And here's to our fights
Here's to our achings
And here's to you having a
Good life From Me Good Life

Here is to our abandoned plans! To your success and happiness! To your Good Life.