The Troublemakers in Chief

So my Quarterback says, "Whats the trouble chief"
"I have no idea my boy, but sure as hell I will find out."

And thats what we have been doing since then, me and my quarterback. Finding The Answer!! Sorry for the delay peeps... It is as we say in German A man's gotta do what he gotta do.
(But thats English protests my quarterback. Damn him, he cant read worth shit!)

Were we finding the trouble or creating is another matter and we will deal with that too. I have been a self proclaimed sexist for ages now. Why sexist? I will tell you a joke, I got it once or twice (or maybe 2000 times) in forwarded mail, that we all despise. You must have heard it...

Girls require money and time, this gives

Girls=MoneyxTime

And according to old dictum Time is Money.

Girls= MoneyxMoney = (Money) ^2

But Also money is the root of all Evil

This Gives

Girl= {sqr root(Evil)}^2= Evil

So Girls are basically evil. Telling you this joke doesnt make me a sexist, even my quarterback agrees (This must be simple if even he can understand it!!) Even liking this joke dont make me a sexist. What makes me a sexist is the fact that I believe it to be something worthy of Einstein! Even better than his work on General Relativity! It is one sparkler! (Which reminds me of the closest thing to this brilliant proof! Its definition of relativity by none other than Mr. Albert Einstein... "Talk to a pretty girl for an hour and it willl fee like a second, put a finger in flame for a second it will seem like eternity. That my friend is relativity!")

Now that we have established Girls are evil theory as the base of this post, I dont mind sharing with you the trouble me and my quarterback were facing was girl trouble. ( What are you doing man? Thus spoke my worthy quarterback at this point. Ignore him, he is a little upset. Its not his fault, things havent been going so well for him lately) We were fighting girls. (Not girls you dumbass, evil! says my quarterback. ~grin~ thats why he is my quarteback you know!!)

So I and my quarteback embark upon a quest, a quest of irradicating the good in our life and to embrace evil. A journey that so many before us have foolhardingly undertaken. Do we expect to tame evil? In retrospect this sounds really silly but we did hope so! We actually believed that we can conquer evil and make it our bytch! But damn it the evil consumed us, left us soul less.
(But you were the one who swallowed my soul, protests my quarteback. He is just babbling now, dont pay attention.) I believed I am the son of light and will vanquish the demons if and when we face them (But how can Satan be son of light, murmurs the Quarterback). I devised strategy, schemed, manuvered even manipulated. But to no extent, a greater evil than any of us can ever be rule on this earth. And she stands there in all her majesty and all we can do is but bow and accept our fate.


"So bow you fool" I shouted at my quarterback while thinking of kneeling. No reply came, and I look around and he is nowhere to be seen! I look up and see the soul less bastard at the helm of a flying chariot, lashing with a whip at dark horses. I had to strain to notice him, for sitting in the back in all her majesty was the Queen herself- The Supreme Evil!

Fucked Up?

Controversial title? Well I don’t give a damn.

Hostel life is much talked about, much idolized. People always tell you that they had some of their best times in hostel, or they learnt so much in the hostel. But for me, its been a wonderful epiphany to the slime we call the world.

This post is meant to be on love, so why in the hell am I talking about hostel life? Is it because the long tired hours that gave me an answer? Partly yes, but mainly because I have sampled so much, there is simply too much here for Void the cynic. I have refrained from using hostel life for posts simply because of the fact the identity of people involved matter a lot to me, and I have no wish to divulge them. I have inspected, permuted and combined but still I couldn’t find a way to keep their identities secret, because to any person of my hostel, each and every example will be painfully obvious. I just hope they stay on the strategy of ignoring this webpage or if they do venture across, for once don’t spread the word around. So lets get this post started.

Earlier, I never could have looked a person in their eyes and just simply lie. Hostel life taught me that. It also gave me time, the best thing that came out of getting stuck in this hell-hole and not having friends. You know up until a year ago, my friends were everything to me, then I let go. And things have changed, and suddenly the burden of feelings have lifted off my shoulders, I can be selfish, even rude if need be. And it doesn’t bother me, staying alone, sitting in front of the computer for so damn long that my eyes hurt, the head spin, and doing nothing but inspecting, everything. Just waiting and watching. And I learnt a lot, I needed the break that my third and (especially) the fourth semester provided me. It just slowed down things enough so I can relax and realize that I am going downwards and I must climb back. I also realized that the cynicism is drowning the hope inside of me. That good feeling that I am gonna be something great someday. And it happened. I found Q4R… I have started the climb back…

Hostel Life also gave me the treasure of e-books and movies. I happened to watch A Walk to Remember the other night, and darn, the movie is beautiful. And somehow somewhere I connected with it. For whatever reason as there maybe I understood much that was alien to me in a week since then, part of the reason why I have been idle. Anyway, coming back to the point…

“Love is like the wind, I cant see it but I can feel it.”

And the thing that I have been pondering about was love and soul mates, and existence of destiny. Is there really one perfect person for all of us? Are we all supposed to fall in love? Some vague memories come back to me of a piece that I have written about love, exactly where, I don’t remember but the essence was that to be able to fall in love you have to be a perfect 100, or perhaps, 90 and you make a hundred when you fall in love. 100 is not an age, but representative factor of state of perfection. Not everybody is there but everyone can get there. But you argue that people fall in love right and left, of course they do! You see that’s the point, the Romance, the passion dies… always. And hopefully what you are left with is trust and understanding. If you make it, you are perhaps 5% of the whole population, even lesser. I am willing to bet that more than 50% of couples either end up divorced, legally or otherwise. If you get the drift of what I mean….

A fourteen year old girl once said to me that I want to be married, and be in love till the end of my days, and not like my parents who sleep on the same bed but the love is lost. Or roughly that… I may have taken out a few suggestive phrases.

I believe the number to be at least 80%, but I have nothing to back me, no data. You live in a hostel and you look at the relationships around you. And there are weird facts. Like this couple, they are ethnically, culturally identical. I heard that sometime back when they were not a couple, both of them had categorically stated the other to be brother or sister as implied. On different occasions, yes, but stated as a fact. And yet around four months later they are consummating, in the literal sense!

Then there is this another couple, from what I know, they got together, then broke up, then I saw the guy assuring the girl that her back paper will be cleared, and darn it was cleared in revaluation! Amazing luck or money power? Either way they are back together.

(Note: Back papers can be cleared in our university, upon payment of certain amount of money through right channels)

Then there is the act of persuasion. From what I heard, some guys chased the girls. They were always there, trying to impress until the girls gave in.

Then there is this couple and for some reason it is the most talked about couple of the college, recently I had the opportunity to observe them closely. I can tell you this, they might have something deeper than most others, but the guy is definitely a fiend. But there is a lot of passion there… there is lot I must leave unsaid here, so you should really discard this one.

Then there is this guy, who speaks frankly. I spend money on her so that I can have sex with her. Awesome, if you ask me.

Then there is this couple, and they are really weird, both of them. The guy basically thinks that he is actually better than his girlfriend, looks-wise, and he could have gotten better deal. The girl says that there is no way that I will end up with this guy because my parents wont let me, I wont even ask them. They both claim to love the other one.

These are just a few lines; trust me to know more than that including some unmentionables. About them and others, and I have really inspected the dark side of the moon, rather closely. And I know that it really comes down to whether or not you want to go through with it or not. Out of the twenty odd relationships that I have seen, I don’t expect many to survive. And the ones that did, or will do wont be based on the love but others mitigating factors like for instance job. Girl gets in with Infosys, guy doesn’t get a job, they are over. Not exactly those facts, but you know what I mean. They will have to be equals, and its not just about the jobs. Equals as in how you see it, like imagine your better half and imagine it being part of your family, then imagine being part of his/her family, even if one of the two pictures is distorted, it wont fit. It also depends on the person, like me for instance, there is this need to bail out, get out of a relationship. To breathe free… The romance dies, but hopefully what you are left with is trust and understanding… and the romantic love that you dream of don’t really exist except perhaps in your imagination or for those 100 mark people. There is no happily ever after but a life, a real life, and a bytch of a life at that. And the best you can hope for is not the perfect 100, but for a someone who will be there, and someone for whom you will be there. As far as I am concerned, my heart is blocked, with an iceberg, I wont fall in love till I am sure that I can really prioritize the one girl…

Long Due..

So I have been slacking in blogging, but so what? I mean come on, its only the side product of being busy, what with my two wives... Sandhya and Q4R.

Sandhya, or Sandy (since we have gotten so cozy close) is an absolute bytch, I mean what is with being there over my head all the time. Cant you just cut me some slack, but then I love her to death and thats again a side product of love. Busy...

And then Q4R which is an even bigger one if that is at all possible, so I am doing double shift. Days to Q4R and nights to Sandy. And you ask what happened to that simpleton I am legally married to? Of course you wont remember that I hate her. She is absolutely no use, but a man must do what he has to do, so my legal wife, is on a vaccation or rather that I am on a vaccation from her. But by God if ever there were a vaccation like this with swift dwindling accounts and high rising blood pressure, zero phone balance and emptiness it will sell out faster than sweets on Diwali eve. Alas you have to be The Void to have that....

And between the three wives I am torn and busy... but my legal wife is tolerant of Q4R and is ignorant of Sandy, Q4R knows the legal complexities coming with having a legal wife, so she is tolerant of her but is again ignorant of Sandy. Sandy is the absolute bytch, she knows nothing, hears nothing and demands everything. No wonder I love her the most. And it is not just Sandy, but the sidekicks that come with her, I love them too. And in this disaster of polygamy my friends have grown sarcastic and family well... its better not to involve family in the blogs!! It only results in chaos.

So here you are, the reason of my messed up life. Is all good in the hood. You see friendship is tricky but romance is downright evil. It gnaws and sucks on you till nothing is left of you but a shadow, or an empty space-The Void. But here is a thought thats been in my mind for sometime now, and the root of all troubles as I can see

"A friend to all is a friend to none."

In what context I say this will take another lengthy bitching post, and I have realized that one of my many possible downfalls can be the bitching, so I am taking a break from bitching, and thats enough bitching, so I wil quit bitching, and leave. Ciao!!

Choices Revisited

Life, according to Quantam Physics, is but a chance. A chance which way the dice will roll. A chance whether the toss of coin will dish out head or tails. And the choice is whether you called out heads or tails, or which number you put your money on. This is what life is, a casino of bets. Some choices are simple but then the simple choices dont reward as much. The bigger the stakes are, more complex it gets. And sometimes its choice between two rights, according to two people. Or like Rowling said, between what is easy and what is right.




And people do succumb to the choices that are easy, or the ones that somebody else (read parents) chose for them. It is inevitable, and people shouldnt really be blamed for lack of spine. They are the way they are, perhaps having a simple life is their way to deal with shit. Or the most common of all they dont choose but let the fate take its course, so they dont win or loose but just drift with the flow of tide. I would say that is the wise decison, at least as far as probability goes, which by the way accounts for more than you care to know. But the fact remains.... and it bites and bites deep

The fact that people dont care or commit to things in a way that they should. That they make life impossible for their colleagues, that they turn a blind eye to magnanimity or importance of the situation and chose to drift. And the shocking thing about it is they do it in spite of the ability to perform better. Its their inherent lack to understand simplest things in life or the inability to sort out their priorties. It drives me to despair. I have been rarely as frustrated as I am right now. And I want to give up but my bestie says my heart will bleed if I do that. And I dont know whether I will be able to or not, but my better judgment says that I should. Not because of probability stacked up so high against me, but because of having to operate with people who always find the wrong person to shout at (which happens to be me). I am not perfect but I will be damned if I dont know my priroties. The difference and the salvation both lie in commitment, and that remains my problem. I dont know how to make them see my point of view, I dont know how we will ever survive this tirade of pathetic working habits, the communication gap and the lack of commitment. It will come down to choice whether they accept the harsh reality or not...

Maybe I will write in my next post in detail why I quit the quest for redemption (Q4R), or why the team threw me out or why they bailed. Or maybe, just maybe they will understand....

The Quest for Redemption

This one goes out to my team....

You cant seriously expect me to publicly mention what exactly is the quest for redemption, but I will instead share two of the most memorable experiences of my life.

December 2005- January 2006

It was somewhere 28th or 29th, I received an email from IIT Bombay, they said that I have been shortlisted for a workshop and competition on Computational Fluid Dynamics, CFD for short. As it happened I did not know anything about fluid dynamics, so through January I studied hard, put in a lot of effort and went for the workshop. On January the 20th, in a classroom full of people from top colleges of India, the NITS and Dr. Atul Sharma of Aerospace Department, IIT Bombay, a first year student of a virtually unknown college raised his hand to tell everyone that he is the only first year student, from a virtually unknown college. I further confirmed I have had no training in fluid mechanics, the 35 people in that room except for me laughed openly, including the professor. By the end of the day nobody was laughing, as I was among the ten students, who made it to the second round. By the end of the second day, people older than me and from better colleges came to me for advise, and by the end of the third day, at completion of the workshop, I had wrapped up the competition and praise from Mr. Sharad Purohit, the director of CDAC. I also got to use ParamPadma, India's fastest supercomputer, ranked just over 100th in all of the world!

On that day I decided I will return to IIT Bombay for the techfest every single year. I was determined to win the biggest competition of the fest. I did make a team and we did participate in Techfest 2007 but didnt win, performed well in our own eyes but not well enough to justify the expenditure.

Three Days ago

The three members from the old team were sitting in my room and discussing the current endeavor. I for the fun of it, found the old drawings that we made last year, for the 2007 Techfest, and seeing those drawing, reduced us to fits of laughter. They are such crap, seriously useless, yet back then those drawing made infinite sense to us. Same goes for a lot of other work. So listen to me, for what I have to say is very important, it was a learning curve. And it still is, we dont claim to know the answers, but we want to find them. Its not about knowing but finding out, and giving your best.

That is what every competition is all about. Setbacks and crappy work comes with being new to any project, and it will pass and hopefully you too like us will look back at these days and laugh about it. Believe me when I tell you that this is going to be the most rewarding experience of your lives. People are always going to tell you that you cant do it, because they didnt do it themselves. It is going to be tough, not all the answers that you want will be staring you in your face but buried beneath mounds of dirt, that you will have to dig. It will come down to commitment, how much time and energy you are going to put in it. Whether you will put it above everything else that you have in life, or will you give excuses of from the everything else in your life to not do your share of work. I know each and everyone of you, and I know you well, even if I never spoke to you before but I know that you are capable of doing whatever it is that is your work. Never lose hope, or the faith in yourself. Also remember, that one person alone can undo the good work of all the others, if one part fails the whole thing will fail. So just keep your head down, and keep working hard because like our Web Designer said The Worst is Yet to Come.

Lost Here Somewhere

For those who want to know, yes I am still alive.
And while I am at it a shout goes out to two or three people who have graced this blog by their continuos presence.
The second coming that I planned has been postponed more than I thought, but then things always move along at a slower pace than we expect, unless its something we are dreading.
Look out for the second coming around 10th of this month, no promises, but worth a check.
Cheerioz

Mr. Void, The Cynic

This one is for you...

I was talking to my besty today and we suddenly jumped from astrology to introspection and to blogging. Long and short of the story is she said that I should write one about myself, in which I introspect. I thought noway, not that I ever listen to myself. Anywho, against my better judgment I will write this, as a mark of how much that one single friend means to me.

I call myself a cynic, repeatedly. That doesnt make me a cynic, and that is not even important. What is important is the underlying desire to be one, for it is true that I wish to be a cynic. Forget the dictionaries, for me a cynic is someone who covers up the irony of his life in jest and present them in a manner so ridiculous that nobody sees the pain. For me cynic is a person that laughs at other people's misery not because he finds misery amusing but he sees similarities or ironies that other people cant and laughing is his way to deal with emotional surcharge rushing through him. A cynic to me, is the deepest reader of civilization, and of humans that forces him to mistrust one and all.

The underlying desire to be a cynic comes from my deepest, darkest fears. The feeling gets prominent with shadows crossing over. Small incidents, if inspected individually are probably harmless, but accumulated over the time claws and eats you inside. Only the best of persons have control over their darkest fears, these are probably the chosen few. There is another category that I totally despise and these are manipulators, who give in to their fears and work to achieve the opposite. These are the world leaders, these are probably the most successful people in the world. There are also people who just crumble under their insecurities, the weaklings, the simpletons. And then there are cynics, as painful as it is, they just swerve the link on which the fear is based and they decide that one way or the other it doesnt matter. But the truth is that the link cant be broken, and there is a stabbing pain whenever the shadow crosses confirming the side. But the pain comes and goes and cynics stand their ground unaffected in the long run.

But the truth is I am not a cynic and that there is a part in me that dont want me to end up a cynic. This is the part that gives me faith, and the immeasurable hope that I have, which is all I have. The courage comes and goes, but hope often helps in overcoming the fears, hardwork happens (although not always) and I find myself standing.

A few stand by me, but I find it so very difficult to trust anybody, to bare my soul. There are always half truths, reality covered in jest and fiction and things roll. As Void, the author, it has always been very important to me to hide the identities of people I mention in my blog because they are real people with emotions and feelings and not all react the same way to being exposed to the world. Sometimes I take the hit, in order that someone else's identity or secret may be preserved. My blogs are a lot manipulated. Am I mysterious, no I am not. I dont want to be, but it is equally important to preserve someone else's secrets. Although I am a little bit superstitious about not speaking about a thing till it has launched, and that I prefer to work away from prying eyes. I have made the mistakes about it in the past and found my work difficult when people watched me. I also dont answer unasked questions. So if you think that I am being mysterious perhaps you are not asking the right question.

There was a time when I really thought that the most important thing in my life was to have friends, now I dont. Now I yearn for success and for withering heights. To reach the top and give it all up to become an author. I yearn for experience that life will give me. But there is somthing that I yearn for beyond all, something that I will not mention today, because it doesnt fit the twenty year old Void. I also yearn for a quick exit from this world, twenty more years is the most I want to live.

I smoke, not because I want the death to come early. I want the quick exit but not a painful one, anyway that is not the point. I smoke because that is the few moments of true freedom that I have from this world. I smoke because it relieves my mind, sometimes just because I am bored but mostly because of the freedom. I drink for the same reasons, but I hate getting drunk. I hate to lose my control so I am not so hot on drinking.

One more thing about myself is I hate making mistakes, simplest of mistakes like saying Good Morning in the evening or getting excited or simply getting nerdy. And I berate myself for making these mistakes. I am fairly lazy and can be termed borderline reckless. But I am not irresponsible. I get things done and on time! I am usually punctual, except for the classes, which I can never get on time to.

I dont like people who dump their troubles all over someone else, and play the blame games. Dumping your troubles over someone else doesnt mean talking to a friend to regain some strength or some sense of direction. But I absolutely hate people who just have problems and those who never come through for you in your troubles. I am also repelled by people who speak a lot of themselves or try and impress others especially with money or possessions. But above all I hate those people who always tell you that you are their best friend, they love you to bits but when it matters you are left alone, and I have loads of them!

On Veganism, I would love you if you are a vegan but non veganism is hardly the biggest problem the world is facing. On God, I am my God and work is worship. On diplomacy, will never understand it.

I seriously hope you got what you wanted cuz I am not going to make another attempt. Introspection, huh? I know myself, if there is one thing I am sure of, that is it.

The Losing Battle

"So do all, who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

(Gandalf to Frodo Baggins, in Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring in response to Frodo's continued desire Frodo and Gandalf in mines of Moria,Precisely the scene
where this dialogue was exchanged
to not bear the ring of power. To the best of my belief the line was only in the movie and not in the book)

Dont we all wish something of that sort, perhaps not of that magnitude? The reason that Lord of the Rings remain etched in my memory as the finest book ever written, is the fact they all stepped up to fight a battle they never thought they could win. From Frodo, who takes up the ring of power and journey without the aid of the more seasoned campaigners to the Strider, who marches to a fight that he will lose so that somebody else can win. And they were united, their power lay in courage of their hearts, and strength of their brotherhood. They bowed not to some invisible power, but met their dooms head on without fear. And yet suffered defeat in victory, Princess Arwen to Samwise Gamgee, who won and yet lost. No story was ever told, that was so riddled with grief, the bravery at its best. To fight a battle that you can not win and then smile in loss, in hope for someone else to enjoy that victory. I bow to you, Mr. Tolkien for providing us with an epic that will remain etched in our hearts till we breath.


The Strider, Aragorn, Elessar... He goes by many names
There is another incident, another phenomena that elated our hearts, much in the same way as Tolkien. His name wasMichael Schumacher.There was an incident, three years ago. It was Chinese Grandprix. Schumi having taken the bull by its horns had stormed his way atop the leader board with a comfortable lead. His championship was secure, then Chinese Grand Prix happened. With the worst luck that any driver ever could have, from punctured tyres to collisions, nothing that was his fault and he found himself at the bottom. And with nothing to prove and no battle that he could possibly win, he drove out of the pits, new tyres and everything and started setting scorchers of laps. On the last lap of the grandprix, he set the absolute fastest lap, a record that still holds. He finished thirteenth. He need not have done it, he could have just gone to pits and had a cold drink and nobody would have thought any less of him. Yet he raced, with ghosts perhaps just to prove something to himself. As luck would have it, next year he was riddled with a car that Schumi storming in Monaco
couldnt have won him any championships. Yet he fought, he raced with faster cars, defended, and lost and yet stepped out smiling waving to loyal fans as opposed to hiscompatriots who just vent their anger after being thrown out of a race. He bowed out, without the no.1 that he held for five years in succession and seven years in all. Thanks for inspiring us Schumi, for entertaining us and for fighting the losing battles...

And this is what life is about fighting those battles that you will eventually loose. A quest that leads only to defeat and leaves you to find little victories in a larger loss. Remember, when you wish things were different, you are not the only one. People who accomplished great things thought the same, and yet they marched to their eventual defeats, and found little success. Remember, the bravery at its best is to fight the losing battle, to lose it and still smile. Everything else that comes your way is just a bonus...

Hope must drive you....

Friendship Day Tribute 2: My Dark Side

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed." ---Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

As an author you always tend to suck on misery to get a feeling for scope of a situation. And as it happens, the misery thrives on details and the finer points. Unfortunately, unless you have an extraordinary sense of observation, the memories as rich in detail only comes from personal experiences. So here we are, waiting to dissect another episode of my life. I found it very difficult to dig in and find cynism so it might not be as funny but the humor is there. The Dark Humor.

When I am not in a relationship, I usually bitch and moan about how there are no good single girls in my neighborhood. And when some one is actually crazy enough to go out with me, I count faults faster than the note counting machine. After a few days of togetherness I duck, jump and hide in every futile attempt to avoid commitment. Failing thus, I try and sabotage the relationship. Most of it goes on in the head, the subconscious some idiots are calling it now. There were two incidents in my life, where my commitment fearing self couldnt see past the self imposed barriers and ended up hurting people that actually cared about me. These two are of the four people I omitted from my Friendship Day Tribute. I dont know why, but I think that they are important in some other context.

The first one, Dash I had called her the last of the times I mentioned her with my besty. Dash as in a hyphen or blank, not a surname. It was before I had the desire to be in a relationship. As it happened that my besty was head over heels in love with this dash girl. I on the other hand, enjoyed a slightly more than cordial relationship with her. My thoughts obviously were with my besty, as we plotted schemes to get them together. They backfired, ricocheted of the walls surrounding her. But we never lost heart, for three months we planned and schemed. Until my father told me that he has been transferred. And I remember quite well that, before her no girl had ever occupied my mind so much, not after school hours anyway. A few days before my departure the dash came upto me, tied a friendship band on my wrist. I was surprised to see her crying. I didnt figure out for ages, what that was all about. We werent that close! She said some heavy dialogue that just went above my head. In that chaos I left. Well, my defense is boys are idiots.

The second one, I sabotaged classically. There was this plain gorgeous girl, who was actually mad enought to go out with me, and I never paid any attention to her. I wouldnt listen to her, I constantly ditched her for other friends. Althoug we did manage some extremely touching conversations. I always run short of words whenever I speak of her...

Softly Now, You owe it to the world
And everyone knows that you're my favourite girl
But there's some things in life that are not meant to be
I'm not meant for you and your not meant for me
Here's to our problems
And here's to our fights
Here's to our achings
And here's to you having a
Good life From Me Good Life

Here is to our abandoned plans! To your success and happiness! To your Good Life.

The Western Influence on Religion

Paganism, a term that sounds darkly enigmatic to ninety percent of the population who don't know what it means. I say this because having heard (actually read most of them) several people mention paganism, hardly a handful managed it correctly.

Paganism, is the term applied to all the religions and Gods lying outside of the holy trinity of Christianity-Judaism-Islam. All the religions, irrespective of being older or younger, similar or dissimilar to the three of them. Paganism is a cult term invented by The Church (who else?) around Renaissance in an attempt to discredit every religion in existence and to promote Christianity. In some stricter circles they argue that the Judaism, although the first credited religion, is now corrupted and is now another Pagan religion.

The term Pagan is Latin in origin means rural or rustic, the implied meaning can be guessed. Also it is the descendant of Jewish version called Gentile, which basically meant Non-Jew. The term Paganism basically implies disapproval, the big three looking down in disapproval. You can perhaps better explain the Pagan impact if you remember that one of the chief excuses the imperialists gave for colonization is to spread the teachings of Christianity. That is basically what Paganism is, a total rejection of all the religious beliefs of any civilization except their own. Committed as I am to being an atheist, this is still a larger bowl of shitload than the theistic crap people come up with. I mean, at the very least I can understand some people's innate desire to need a God, to pretend that they are not alone or that they are not in charge or just for some emotional support. But to the claims of a religion over other, and when majority of others in all likelihood are older than the holy trinity, I say classic west.

The holy trinity claims the same origin, The Abraham, a king that basically spoke to God and they had a pact and that he was respectively the first Christian, Muslim or Jew. Actually, Bible accepts him to be a Jew, at least before he spoke to God, the chosen one or the father from all others are descended. So basically, since the first man known is Adam (not same as Abraham) basically the first religion born was Atheism! Anyway, this Abraham offered his son Isaac to God, who the holy trinity considers father of Israel. Anyway, the funniest part of the whole was Abraham married his sister Sarai or Sarah! It is true! Abraham married his father's daughter, from a different wife, so half sister basically. That would really explain the western pervert characteristics... Anyway these are the basic facts.

Christianity, everyone knows originated with the start of positive time. The Hebrew bible implies that The Moses basically received it from God sometime during the second century Before Christ. And the youngest, Islam born with Prophet Muhammad during the 7Th century. That leaves a gaping hole of roughly 8000 years (for Americas) to 35,000 years (for Eurasia and Oceania) between origin of religion and human civilization. And these are the most lenient approximations, the first homo sapien is confirmed at 130,000 BC and suspected to be evolved at 200,000 BC. So basically, it took God seven days to create the world but another 50,000 years to spread his own message. Whoa!

Now the most powerful and beautiful of the ancient civilization are Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Chinese and of course Indian. All of these civilizations have their own Gods, and their own religions. All except China believed in polytheistic religions. China preferred Confucianism or Taoism and later Buddhism. Basically the fallacy of reasoning lies here, that the Gods accepted thousands of years before the creation of some religion are deemed random, even Satanic by the children religions of the civilization. That idea is laughable and yet presents a very realistic picture of the domination of the west over east, that threatens not only to engulf the creations but the very identity of the soul. I don't think that either of the remaining religions will succumb to these forces in a way Judaism did, but it is still sad to see Christian Missionaries trying to spend millions of dollars a year to spread Christianity to the remote tribal regions of the world in stead of carrying on operations for mere welfare of people without the thought of gain. I hope that our religious leaders, that hold more power than American President, will come of age and declare a war not on other religions but on inhumanity, poverty and hunger faced by millions.

Friendship Day Tribute

There are a l0t of issues that I will cover in this post, but above all this post is dedicated to my best friends, a thanks that is due. I also write this because my last two-three posts have certainly put out the wrong idea that my friends dont mean much. So on friendship day I give you my best friends in no particular order. (For those I forgot, I apologise. But those I forgot are only the people from my childhood.)

Priyanka- I loved competing with you.
Mukesh n Pammi, my first friends.
Vishsesh-my first best friend.
Hanu-Thanks for crowning me
Renu-thanks for completing my homework
Akruti-thanks for completing my drawings

Abhishek- Wish it hadnt ended the way it did
Kaushik: thanks for being there
Nidhi: You dont realize, but you uplifted my spirits in my worst time.
Nitin: Dude, grow up!
Nanu: Ah well!!
Roni: Umm... I am sorry.
Tanmay: My man! Keep in touch!
Akash: Trust me
Pranay: We are in the same ship, man.
Prachi: Thanks for everything... you will ultimately save me from going insane so dont leave me!!

A few of the best times in my life were when a friend came upto me and said I love you. And I hope it makes your day when I tell you the same. I love you, all of you... Even if I am not in touch with you doesnt mean, I love you any less.

(There are some names deliberately missing from this list. I dont know why yet, I will let you know whenever I figure.)

The Toilet of Love

One of the most singular (and fundamental) experiences of life is being in a relationship. But what is even more singular (and even more fundamental) is the experience of getting dumped. In spite of the affect this post will have on my personal ratings, I think it is very important that I proceed, largely because, as an author it is quite fulfiling to be able to extract every ounce of misery from a topic.

Those who know me best, will agree that I am as averse to a relationship as two rival heavyweight boxers or Manchester United and Arsenal or Ferrari and Mclaren. And yet, very occasionally their paths cross. You see, as a young meddlesome fool, I made it a habit to jump from one ship to other, occasionally braving a foot in two different ones. And suddenly, out of nowhere, a whim and a fantasy, the wildest nightmares realized, I was in a relationship! "In!"(Read Trapped) My world crashed, smiles disappeared, arguments surfaced and by God if I ever could have committed a murder... well you know what I mean!

Those deep eyes that captivated me once, now appeared to resemble the basilisk eyes from the Harry Potter movie I had recently watched. And the sweet sound of her voice was suddenly so sweet, I was afraid of catching diabetes. The only thing that did not change was the importance of the phone in the relationship. Not so long ago, I kept hoping for it to ring so that I can hear the voice of my sweetheart. Now, I keep hoping for it to ring, so that she will finally shut up. At both times the phone calmed the seas for the ship to sail and I suddenly found myself committed. At this point, my thoughts go back to Abraham Lincoln. He had a heartbreak, then he went on to become president of USA and freed the slaves. I quite understand him now, he had tasted freedom and wanted everyone to have it. Oh captain, my captain! (If you don't know that's the opening line of a Walt Whitman poem, and of course quite fitting... captain as in captain of a "ship")

The new "committed" phase brought about new changes. I have seen people belonging to this phase, discussing wedding card designs, or the name of the kids. And of course there is the "duty". Duty is the fond name, that I have since given to the task of going to (not on, but to) a date. You see I found it much similar to going to work. "Duty". There are many similarities, though I still found dating worse. You cant obviously miss work unless your grandparents die, but the bad thing is even death wont get you off the date. She will of course insist on coming. Then if you are late to work(or to date), the angry tirade of boss is always better than the tears of a girl with whom you cant get away by saying sorry. And whatever you say is wrong anyway, and you cant shut up either. It is what is called getting caught between a rock and a hard place. And with your boss there is always an outside chance of just making a sex joke and if its really good you may even get a promotion for producing a productive environment. Of course, if you make a sex joke to your girlfriend you will invariably get the tirade of "mad dash to finish line" or "just about sex" depending on where you are in the relationship. Then there is a lot left to be said about things forced down our necks.

The biggest point of conflict was my best friend. "Surprisingly" she didn't like him, of course not. What was I thinking, having a best friend without consulting her. I am ordered to find new friends. Of course sweetie, that's what I will do. And then, your friends are no more helpful than your girlfriend. "She is cripping your style man!" comes the standard response. I usually ignore that and his suggestions, as good as they sound. Basically, it is being idiotic and reckless at the same time, if you take relationship advise from someone who finds it difficult to get anything (let alone humans) to go out with him.

There was a lot I always wanted to tell her, but the smile remain attached on my face just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I mean, well it was nice to have someone who can list all your shortcoming in under a minute, if you ever decide to strive to be a better person. And there was another reason too. Guys are "disgustoids", and it was nice having someone who doesn't wear their socks inside out after seven days of wearing them regular way or who doesn't eat like a pumba in a burger chugging contest and burps loudly afterwards. There are a couple of other reasons, but I don't think we should go there.

Then it happened, one fine evening, just as I was beginning to come out of despair of a hopeless bondage with few hours of stolen time with the guys. You can let your imagination wander if you really want to know how we were planning to spend the evening. Just as we were getting started, DING-DONG. That was the doorbell. And there she was, again, the girl uninterrupted. Or I should say the interrupting girl. Without preamble she marched in, and well then lost it. You see, when I said stolen I actually meant calling her with a silly excuse of studying or something. She screamed, not much unlike people in Ekta Kapoor's beloved K series do. (Another reason I despise k series, but thats another story for some other time), and I tried to explain that I was a good boyfriend (later I wondered, why the hell!). And then she pronounced, "Yeah well, guess what you are also an ex now."
I stood there "flushed", as she marched out of the door. I am still not sure whether I should have followed her. My best friend was the first to recover, he whooped and punched the air. I was still feeling horrible, guilty perhaps. But then I realized I am not upset.
Someone asked me "Shouldn't you go after her?"
"Nuh, don't think so."
"Yeah, you can just call her tomorrow and get together and sort it out."
"Nuh, I am not gonna call her." I didn't call her. She didn't call either.
"Are you gonna be alright,"
"Oh yes, lets get this party started," said I, recalling everyone to planned rituals. As silence dropped over the room, as CD changed, I thought to myself "After all, there are plenty of other fish in this toilet of love."

(I hope she didnt read this. Hey sweetheart, if you read this and you die of shock please dont come back to haunt me)

Guilty? Or little harsh

For Sanju Baba....
For wowing us from Rocky to Lage Raho Munnabhai









I may not be Bollywood's most ardent fan, I may not be the first in line for new releases, but that doesnt mean I love it any less.

Well over ten years (twelve-fourteen) ago, my father allowed me to accompany him to the Jaipur airport where he was going to drop off my cousin. As I had never even seen an aeroplane in real life let alone ride on one, I was very excited to get to watch a plane take off. But what I never knew, I had another surprise waiting for me. When we tried to enter the Airport, we were not issued airport tickets that allow entry in the lounge. "Passengers Only," we were told. I was sorely disappointed. Airport to me was like a castle at that time. As I and my father watched my cousin disappear behind rows of faces, the sound of screeching breaks made us all turn around. A black sedan (probably Esteem, I dont remember) appeared out of thin air. The doors opened, out stepped a man over six feet tall, looking like he dropped out of a movie reel. On his side was a lovely lady, in clothes I didnt believe existed. As he entered the Airport, a guard walking in front clearing the people out of their way. Many fans jostled him for autograph before he managed the short walk between the sedan and the gate. He was inside the gates when I finally jolted out of my trance and pleaded with the guard on the gate to let me inside. My father helped, and provided me with his phone book and a pen. With a nod of the guard I rushed inside, giving myself a full 360 degree visibility with a rotating forward motion as I desperately tried to reach to him before he got away. I need not have worried, he was standing in the lounge, leaning on the barrier talking to the lady. I rushed to him said, Autograph please and handed him my father's phonebook. He acquiesced and asked my name. I stammered it out as he ruffled my hair which made me stammer even more as I tried to thank him. I dont think I ever actually thanked him considering I was rushing out before I knew it, trying to savor the memory of the most glorious moment of the seven or eight year young life. I glanced at the lopsided writing, it said

luv
Sanjay Dutt

(I never possessed the autograph as my father told me he had many important contacts in that small, dusty phonebook. I anyway thought, it was too grand a thing to possess. Some years later I came to know he had lost it. It didnt cause me much pain, a little disbelief though as I was starting to question some of my mother and father's beliefs. )

I like Sanjay Dutt, I admire his work. The effort and yet the carefree manner, he is refreshing. From the don of Vaastav to guru of Gandhigiri in Lage Raho, he has proved versatile . From one cornerstone to another, he covered many leagues and in face of adversity. I liked the confidence, with which he faced the charges and the innocence of his pleading touched me. In today's Times of India, some person was quoted as saying this was too big a punishment for recklessness. Perhaps he was right. Even as we love him, love his work and his on and off stage antics the fact remains. He did something terrible, reckless yes, but yet a legal offence. I dont think even the judge will disagree if I say that Sanjay Dutt is not likely to commit another offence. But then the book says he should be punished. Then a thought comes to mind that punishment was meant to make the man see error of his ways so that he must not repeat the offence. Then as soon as that thought appears another counters, but what about other film stars? If Sanjay was let go others will take the law lightly. Then again, yes, but six years? and my mind just jams.

As a fan I dont like the fact that he has to spend time in a Jail in the same conditions as Abu Salem. As a person I think he should have been granted the probation period he requested, or at the very least allowed the one last phone call to his daughter. Watching the videos of his walk from court to police vehicle it appeared that a couple of policeman were trying to show off, manhandling Dutt just to prove they can. But I am forced to accept the bitter truth, that the decision making was done according to the book and it was a bold decision. As an Indian Citizen I am forced to accept on the whole it was the right decision, (minimum imprisonment is five years and maximum being 10, so dont think they could have given him two or three years) even if it seems very harsh.

And that's why they say

"the past always comes back to haunt you. You can bury it but it will always claw its way back out.."

Here is wishing our dear Munnabhai luck, and support. And the thing I forgot forteen years ago... Thanks, for the autograph and thanks for entertaining us over and over again. Bollywood (even Mumbai) wont be the same without you!

The Evening Revisited

After a seriously pathetic attempt(The Evening Part2), I feel the need to redeem myself. To my own surprise I have decided to not delete The Evening, and let it be a mark of my true writing abilities, I have confessed I am not very good at poetry, same could be said for prose. Oh, The Evening part-1 was much worse, as a couple of you might remember.

I hereby declare opening up the hall of shame, for the worst of my posts, and include The Evening as my worst post.

The Evening- Part 2

Note: This post belongs to Void's Hall of Shame

Part 2? You might be wondering where the hell is part one? But see, on top it says this is my kingdom, so I am free to do as I see fit. But there is a problem, you are not my subjects, you are my friends, equals at the very least, in all probability much more, so I have to have an explanation in hope you will return again.

Actually its not all that complicated, I once pencilled a memoir and called it the evening, very unfortunately I lost it with a ridiculous virus attack on my pc... so this is The Evening-Part 2... Having no connection whatsoever to The Evening- part 1.

Let me explain to you how a memoir works in my realm. Its an utterly distorted, mysted incident that might have actually happened. It is exaggerated, places exchanged, at times even two memories combined, which again might not be mine. The memoir is almost never narrated through my eyes, I might not in actuality be even present at the center stage but may be a bystander on the next table. Facts are very often very accurate, but the people and places are so much distorted that it will be hard if you want to figure out exactly what it is that I am talking about, but still an interesting read...

The Evening Part 2

It was the biggest day of his life, still my best friend was not excited. His face was the same cold mask of calm as it is everyday. He laughed politely on my tailor made joke, with a bad punch line. I wasn't sure whether he even heard it or not, but I knew his mind was on other matters. This day might be the biggest of his life, by the standards of everyone else, but I who knew him best knew it wasn't for him. I knew his mind was troubled, his thoughts running haywire. You see last night he had finally confided in me, he had fallen in love. And the thing about him was he never confides anything in anybody! Although he was a good friend to have, always putting his friends before himself and helping them, but didn't let anybody help him. His personality was such that it never appeared to anybody even he might require assistance. And he never complained. I gave him his tie with the perfect double knot, and he smiled at me, checked his Grey Suit and tie in the mirror, glanced at his watch and said, "Its time."

The rest of the evening, passed very quickly. It was the going away party- The Farewell as we called it. The casual brother of what is the convocation. We were all finally getting our degrees and stepping out in the real world. The talks on all corners centered around the coming life, mainly the jobs everyone was offered. I danced, socialized with many friends. He spent the evening in a corner, near the water table. Having a word with anyone who stopped by. He was lately being considered an outcast, he had not sat for an interview with any company that has visited the campus in the last year of our studies and everyone thought he wasn't eligible. Many people were even surprised to see him, because they thought he was repeating the year. At long last, the ceremony started. Names rolled on one by one, each person's achievement through four years of college highlighted. As expected by many, including me (although for different reason, for I knew the truth), his name was skipped over. I could see his eyes darting to a woman in a stunning yet simple blue dress. He smiled when their eyes met, raised his glass to her and bowed. She smiled back, albeit a bit surprised. As the names of 350 people were being called one by one, I saw the two get together and exchange a few words. She laughed and left, to a black haired, black suited handsome man, walking down from the stage, who took her arm. They walked away, happy in each other's company. A shadow crossed my friend's eyes, but it went away as quickly as it had come. Finally we were at the end of the 352, to be exact. And suddenly our host called for our attention, a silent swept the room. I knew what it was, for it was I who had planned it.

"Ladies and gentleman put your hands together for the Achiever of the year, Marc Gonzalez... I am sorry, Doctor Marc Gonzalez. For, his thesis has just been approved, he will leave this college an expert, qualified above most teachers that taught him."

The Grey Suited man straightened his tie, a smile on his face, after a year's oblivion this was his moment while everyone else looked shocked. Tears rolled down my eyes, as I saw my best friend finally lifting the gold medal for topping the university and pocketing the replica PhD. The ten odd friends of his clapped vigorously in a vain attempt to lift the scattered half hearted applause. "Nobody will care," he had said, damn it he was right. As he made his way back down, I walked towards him and I instantaneously knew his eyes were searching the blue dress. But he embraced me nevertheless. He shook hands of everyone that came to congratulate him and hugged the ten people who clapped for him. In the midst of the humdrum, a hush was suddenly falling. And through the gap in the crowd I saw the black haired, black suited man on his knees, proposing to the girl in blue. I saw her nodding head, and I turned to my friend to see his eyes well up. But the tears were wiped away quickly, and he strode forward to congratulate the one in the blue dress as nothing had happened. I walked with him, half expecting him to collapse. He didn't, he hugged the one in the blue dress and wished her luck, before excusing himself. I also tried to excuse myself but caught myself in the moment, the one in the blue dress was looking at my friend walking away with the same expression in her moist eyes as my friend held a minute ago. As I finally started jogging to catch my best friend, I swear I heard her whisper, "If only."

The Hole-y Umbrealla

Note: This Blog is now part of Void's Best of Me
When you live in Mumbai, you become as accustomed to rain as you are to the sun. Rain in July is like sun in the desert, it looms continuously, slow or furious, hardly relenting its furious siege of the city until the oceans scream and promise vengeance on ships that dare to stray. And more often than not, even that is not enough. In the moments the siege cease, dark clouds haunt the sky, reminding people of the coming battle. But it takes more than a bout of rain to dampen the spirits of Mumbai, the crowds barely diminish on the local trains or buses, although everyone seem to carry the identical black umbrellas. With the same instinct that you put up your hand to shield your face against ferocious sunrays, an umbrella shoots out, the shield against the relentless rain. A few other colors and patterns obviously stand out in an otherwise impeccable black wall formed along the pedestrian paths.

In this black wall, often a trusty umbrella adorned the role of a brick. Trusty to me, not to rain. When it comes to rain, my whims are harder to match than perhaps the most inarticulate of women. In a drizzle I might want my umbrella up and in a downpour I might want to get wet. I dont know, it all depends on the mood and of course the situation. And this umbrella never complains, just a trusty comrade, used for three months and then thrown aside in a box full of garbage that nobody uses, for the rest of the year. It never complains! It has never even betrayed.

One day sitting in a classroom full of boring people and an idiotic professor, I started tinkering with my trusty comrade and to my enormous surprise I found holes in the umbrella... although tiny ones, but holes none the less. And I wondered how is it still holding the rain. But with the class my mind drifted off the subject to other interesting things as I had just noticed Angelina Jolie peeking from the crude paper cover of somebody's notebook.

In the following days, many times it crossed my head to take a look at the umbrella again. But I didnt, perhaps as inseparable as it was, I never really considered it to be of great value. How often, how wrong are we. I like to tell myself it was because I always remembered the thing at the wrong time, and I just waited for the right time to come. Unfortunately at the right time, it never came back to me. And the hole-y umbrella continued the struggle against the relentless seige. Never once it betrayed me, always up and open whenever I needed to reach somewhere in dry state. A great comrade, a worthy possession. Each penny of the mere seventy bucks I paid for it, undervalued.

I look back today, at the turn of events as by my side lies the warrior. The handle seprated, the clothe coming apart, the bars bent. The finally defeated warrior. The failure is sudden and total, without any chance of repair.

You say to me, it was just an umbrella. Of course it was, but thats not the point, is it? The holes, the beaten exterior... signs of war... yet providing constant protection. Look around to see if you can find your "Hole-y Umbrella"
Note2: This blog post is written in jest.

My Best Friends

For some reason, these six people, total strangers to me, jump first to my mind when I reminisce my friends. For me Joey, Chandler, Ross, Monica, Rachel and Phoebe represent everything that I hold dear in a friendship. The series represented a group dynamics, not much unlike any real group dynamics. Each person knew the other inside out. They helped, backed and stepped out for each other. They all had their selfish moments, they all exchanged the negative roles between them but most important of all they stuck with each other, stood up for each other and were there for each other. This is what being a friend means, when being right isnt as important as being yourself. Now the blog is not about the series called FRIENDS, but about my dead past. And its a sincere note of obligation to those who stood by me, in worst of my times.

The first memories of friends, bring back images filled with laughters and tears, the defining moments and a carefree time. For they are images of a distant past, the time we called childhood. Since an early age, I was able to form a closed knit group around me. And I have had some ferociously loyal friends, and at a time when I didnt understand the true implication of having friends. When I look back, I find myself wondering how big an idiot must I have been to not know what the best of my friends did for me. It was release from a tyrant rule of parents, into a world where my opinion mattered and even revered (although to a lesser extent). This first group of friends I hold the dearest, because it was the innocence, the friendship at its best. We did make some pathetic attempts of staying in touch by snail mail (it was the year 1997-98), of course didnt work. Oh and I forgot, this was the first time I realized presence of girls in my life when I misunderstood (first of many times) a girl, and stampeded all over her (heart?).

Here, I must emphasize the importance of the fact that my father works in a bank. So he gets thrown around India a lot. That is to say we dont stay in a city for too long. The groups of friends, are mostly friends with each new school or living place.

The second group, I dont remember much for the simple fact that our association was brief and the end was marred by nasty incident. That was the first bitter pill of "everyone for himself", which I was to encounter a lot regularly after that.

The third group, for the first time in my life I wasnt leading, I was the lowest creature on the lowest rung. Bullied all around, I learnt the virtue of silence. Although not because of friends, but it was at this point in my life I also learnt the virtue and uselessness of truth. I chose virtue. But still, two years later I walked away with my head held high and a handful of friends, and these become frontrunners to people I call "old friends," for they continue to remain close to my heart. And of course since then, I have redeemed myself from the lowest rung to an equal. Of course there was the "everyone for himself" factor.

While I handled second and third group, a totally seprate group formed due to geographic sepration. This group wasnt noteworthy cuz, there was a detachment. A constant detatchment from everyone. Although, at the end of fourth group this group re emerged, very briefly but played a very significant role. And I love them for that, especially one person... (I will not name her, as going by tradition of no names) thank you, I still wish I could have done more for you.

The fourth group, was the first time in my life that I was so emotionally attached to other people. It was this period I found my first girlfriend, and two best friends to die for. At that time, I would have taken a bullet for any of them. The girlfriend I lost in one month, the other two in two years. The two people I cared about beyond any, had planned the lesson of "betrayal" for me in this part of my life. Three best friends, and each went his (or her) own way. Since then I have managed to patch things up with one of them, wasn't so lucky with the second one. It is funny because, in hard cold facts, the first betrayed second, I sided with second, lost first there then lost second for being friends with first. If it makes any sense whatsoever. Anyway, I have high hopes of rebuilding my friendship with "first" in the coming years. For after all, he was the closest of all friends I have ever had.

The fifth group, saw me eat the first pill of admiration. I have never admired anybody as much as I admired my new best friend. We braved many fights together, though lost most of them but I dont complain because I enjoyed everyone of them. We continue to remain good friends, and I hope it will continue.

The fifth group also saw me handle two sets of totally different friends, and perhaps this was the best time of my life. I lost the big battle, but gained much more. Then lost that too... but it doesnt matter even the memories of those two friends, who helped me realize who I am. They defined me, the fifth group and although none remains from this second group, they are never more than a moment away from my mind.

The sixth overlapped with fifth group's second and those six months, I could literally fly. Just before the strike, I was the happiest I have ever been in my life, I was like the child again. Three best friends, full of laughs and high fives. But well, life has had the knack of not letting me live in peace. It happened one fine day in January, everything broke. It dragged from there till July, when chaos... and I was to lose one by one, all three of them. Those three remain friends, it was I who was shunted. Dont get me wrong, it was my choice and decison. Rather than the group to breakdown altogether, the unstable element should leave. Two of those three still manage a polite word when they see me, which is more than I can ask for. And I am thankful for it. At this point in my life I wonder, where did the loyalty disappear?

Would you blame me if I become a cynic? Can you blame me if I dont expect life to deal the sunny side up. Can you blame me if I am reckless with not much regard for relations or friendship? I immerse myself in work, thats my cure...

"When sands of time dusts up the mirror of memories, faces fade."

I am hoping the faces will fade soon..

Casino of Bets

I told you I am a poet, this right here might be my best work till date.








The darkness is setting in,
And light aint coming in.
Hopelessness takes over,
Feel like you cant sink any lower.

The sun aint showing;
And strong winds are blowing.
Confusion spreads, chill sets
Life turned into casino of bets.

You are feeling forlorn;
In middle of a crowd u r alone.
Your mind going in circles
Chasing the dream that sparkles.

You are lost in the maze,
Of a path you have never set your gaze.
And in all the paths that we must tread,
There is deceit, there is greed.

The fear sinking in,
The doubt creeping in,
The good time, the good weather,
Will it ever come together?

The darkest secret of Satan

The reason why Satan never lost hold over Earth was because he has a dark secret, impervius to all the charms anyone else can place on. This secret is called manipulation. I write this, in contempt, for a special person, who has been in my life for many years and of course that person is the king of manipulation.


The art of manipulation takes many forms, the most common that I have found is a parent conjuring pretend monsters to instill fear in their minds like strangers who take away bad kids in a bag. Of course that manipulation borders on evil, and many will agree it to be good, but most manipulation arent that absolute. In fact the greatest trick is a series of small push and pull that you dont even feel.


Lying comes, naturally to certain people. Others are amused when they find a downright lie staring them in the face and some, like me, lose their temper. Over the years, I have walked with deceit and manipulation, a secret behind every whisper, and no sentence ever to mean what it sounds. And yet, I havent grown accustomed to it, I still believe those people and I still allow them to manipulate me to a state where I just lose it. I hate myself for it. I hate my heart to take control over my mind. I hate having to end up staring at the blank wall, and with crimson tears that never reach the eye. And yet with no one to share it with, it all bottles up inside, till I lose it.

The darkest secret of Satan was manipulation. It still is, and that is how he controls the world. Those few, who let their heart act for their brains, end up rather like me. A welled up anger, or is it depression, I know not. Lying, half truths, and other secrets that I quite never managed to understand, take the centerstage. Those, good at fluttery and manipulation win the battle, while others just dont care. And a small group battles on, for what we know to be a lost cause. But then, somebody once said

"No cause is a lost cause, until there is a fool left to fight for it."

Hope still drives me...

A Scattered Life

Have you ever been down that dark alley, layered with myst, which has signs to turns that you cant see? And that alley just stretched out, one cornerstone to another and each one as unfamiliar as the last? And you see familiar faces but cant recognize anybody? And after a while, you are no longer certain whether you are moving forward or back, having lost all sense of direction. And then a chill grips you, stifling you.

"I am no stranger to this place
Where real life and dreams collide,
And even though I fall from grace
I will keep the dreams alive."

What, you didnt think you were the only one, did you? We have all been down that road, at least those who have been lucky. I should say fortunate, lucky is such an ambiguos term. What is this road then, the path, the place or whatever the hell it is. Truth be told I dont know, I can not draw any anomaly. But lost and alone seems about the right description. A decison that went wrong in the past, misfortune and misery piled up and one strike and crash... the life is scattered.

I know not whether a solution exist, a way past the way. But allow yourself to believe when I say, it is perhaps not as bad as it looks. Positives can come out of it, and perhaps the positives is the solution. While in that rut, perhaps I still am, but I dont notice as much, I decided to keep myself occupied, with one thing or another for pleasure or for pain, I didnt give myself much time to reflect on what is stifling me. And slowly, the hold started loosening, the myst faded and the turns begin to appear. While I was despairing, my heart was in the deepest shadow, eyes closed wallowed in self pity, in those tiring moment after immeasurable labor, when I woke up I found the smallest ray of sunshine. The end of the tunnel. The smile that got lost in the dark alley was once again magically attached to my lips, heart lightened, burden off the shoulders.

And it was hope that drove me. Hope in fact is a good thing, perhaps the best of things. It was faith that willed me. I may not be out in the sun, I might still be stuck in some layers of the underground, but my heart is free again. The alley will capture your heart, and if it manages that, you have lost. Struggle, kick and scream if all else seem last. Crawl if you can not walk, but keep moving. Work so hard that death seems nearer than sleep. And when you have braved everything, death will recede, lights appear at the end of the tunnel...
Just pray its not the train!!

The Giant Leap

"I believe I can Fly"

I am writing this in my belief that you need to read this, whether you are 10 years old or hundred, because not many people I know believe what I hold very dear in my life, albeit not necessarily one that I follow.


There are many people, that constantly surround each and every one of us who influence the decisons we makes. They come in different shapes and sizes and are known by many names. Family, friends, foes, teachers and of course strangers. But, do they necessarily influence us in a righteous manner? Or is their influence just a reflection of their fears and limitations. I believe it to be the latter. I believe the choices we make go wrong only because of this influence, which in itself is a choice that we make, perhaps not consciously.

"I believe I can fly" is an R. Kelly song from the 60s decade, and no better words were ever spoken. Its the faith that decides who you are or what you will become, because it is the faith that leads you to choices that you face. Friends and family will always tell you to play it safe, undoubtedly, unwavingly. If you prepare for a giant leap, they will coerce you into doubting that you can even run, let alone fly. You will start seeing the abyss that covers the length of your leap, your hand shakes, fear clouds the eyes and mysts the brain, until the senses take leave forcing a senseless decision thats not here or there, or halfway here, halfway there. You would expect the solution to fail, but it doesnt. And you feel vindicated, eternally grateful to friends and family, but a shadow creeps in your minds, If Only....

But why does it work, it shouldnt. Right? Yes in the perfect world it shouldnt, but the world is so screwed up, what shouldnt work works. Of course the giant leap could have taken you to withering heights.. but still. But here is the tricky part, you see it so happens that you either leaped off or stayed behind is not the only possibility. Not every one of us is as strong of constitution as others. We often waiver at the brink of this leap, and people braver than the ones who didnt leap yet weaker in mind than those who leaped to the destination, falter midway. That is the fate that awaits most of us, if we continue the influence of irresponsible friends and family in the name of protection. The ideas fail, a giant leap ending in abyss, not because you werent good enough but because you allowed someone else to enter the sanctity of your mind, which is yours alone. You have to believe, to be prepared to fall and yet leap.

I said in my second post, "I believe in strength of heart" . Now I elaborate. What I mean is it that I believe everyone is capable of great things. Everyone has a destiny, a dream to follow, not much unlike Santiago of The Alchemist, who follows a vague recurring dream to war and glory, to pyramids and to love of his life and back again with more treasure than a shepherd can dream of. Cindrella says, "Dreams are the wishes our heart make when we fall asleep." So why is it that you discard the power of dreams over shallow whining of your fellows. Allow your heart to expand, your mind to wander. Will it to find your path, and when it does, care not whether it is one that your brothers will approve of or not. "Go where there is no path and leave a trail," and of course the very famous...
"Two roads to virgin'a wood. I took the one less travelled by, and that has made the difference."

If you must let other people influence you let it be ones worthy of it. Whether its Aragorn of Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. Abraham Lincoln or Gandhi, Da Vinci or Newton. Einstein or Hitler. To each, its own. But let it be someone or something, matters not, lest it be ordinary. The phrase is Carpe Diem, make your lives extraordinary. I try to listen to my heart, I try to take the dangerous paths when my brain wills me to do otherwise. Its the battle between the brain and heart, and it is not that my heart is without fear. It is neither that my heart prevails over my brain everytime they collide, in fact they are evenly matched. But, I give my heart enough opportunity to sedate my brain, so that when time comes I will take that giant leap, perhaps I will falter, perhaps I will succeed. But it matters little, for the fun will be in soaring through the air, falling down will pass. The excruciating pain (if I fall down) will pass too, but what will remain with me if I dont leap is the big If only... but hopefully it will be the memory of that long flight and the light touchdown at success... where will you be?

Crazy Ideas Vol:2

"Feminism"



Many things prompted me to take up Women, as the next topic for my blog, and to ignore the sounds of roaring thunder that is to befell my head soon after this volume is published. Women will largely dominate this blog, through a guy's perspective, although I will also try to tackle the relationship we share with them and scratching the surface of homosexual tendencies (of guys hence the title-feminism) finally ending with my own sexist tendencies.

Part 1
Guy-Gal Dynamics

If you have read Mario Puzo's "Fool's Die", you will perhaps agree with me it presents the dynamics of the relationships rather perfectly, that is, from a guy's perspective. He begins with a very interesting prologue where he promises to weave magic and present women in their naked honesty. He claims the women will come out better than men in the end. He also claims that men need women.

That was the second bit he got right. We will come to the first bit in some time, but first you must understand what I mean when I say the dynamics of the relationship from a guy's perspective.
You see, although the prologue deals almost exclusively with women and a promise on a book on feminism, the book hardly deals with it. Not that it isn't a great book, it is a stunner, but in no way a book on women. And from a guy's perspective that's the whole story. Give us a minute to think about it and women jump to our minds. But usually, most rational men gets too often too engrossed in what they are doing that they actually forget the women part in their lives, and this part comes and goes like a favorite TV show, that they absolutely love. So that book actually describes the dynamics of a guy-gal relationship, although not in a way you expect.

Now, in all seriousness I don't expect my mundane mind to figure out the dark complex mysteries of a feminine mind, what I will do instead is interpret some aspect which is more of a hunch based on incidents perhaps too complex to put down in words.

For me, the defining point of women will remain the attention, that they crave and the same that they refuse to pay. Can they be called self involved? I don't know, but I don't think that's what it is. I say this not to appease them, but in an attempt towards our all important goal of understanding them. And why is because of their overall softer nature, a plight is more likely to appeal to a woman than a man. Perhaps it has something to do with motherhood, I do not know. What I do know is the fact that men at least tend to pay more attention to their female friends, however vehemently they can deny it. Of women I don't know, but I can certainly say that a man is more likely to make a wonderful selfless gesture towards a female friend,(Friend, not girlfriend We will come to girlfriends later). On the contrary, woman will walk away leaving the foolish man in an embarrassment of his selfless ways while she accomplishes her "goals". But then the same guy is more likely a self centered jackass, while around other people. I don't know about women, but if I am to hazard a guess based on reasonable assumptions I would say she would be similar, at least with a guy she considers an equal. And I also believe, for every woman, this number of equals is pretty low, and this number is inversely proportional to the attention she gets in the first place.

This equal again is a very important term, and I truly am at a loss to discover the magic formula. When I recked my brains the only thing that made sense to me was perhaps the equals is a random term or perhaps every girl have their own magic formula. I am willing to believe a mix of two, chance adding to the magic formula, more likely dominating it. Having said that, from a guy's perspective, the most important thing is positioning. I have found that the girls are very easily impressed/awed and in the end it all comes down to positioning and timing. But this is again related to the attention they usually get. By positioning I mean, exactly what it sounds like. The girl needs to know who you are. It doesn't hurt to have a good reputation or looks, these are the catalysts. But I have come to believe, in the end, these don't matter much. I also found that while saying the right things is necessary, action still speak louder than the words. And of course when I mean saying the right things is necessary, I meant knowing when to shut up too. You see, talking is women department and that is something a guy should never forget. Even the girls who you will deem shy will talk more than a guy, so if the talk ratio approaches 50-50, that dynamics is in trouble and will shift pretty soon. I find 60-40 to be the perfect, because man gives the woman the hold, but still enough for himself to have his say. Although 70-30 is acceptable, any dynamics below that is tending to shift.

Another thing I have found rather fascinating is the fact it is up to women to make the decisions, and here I am talking about modern day relationships, not about our parents, which of course shows dynamics of a fast fading era. The decision making process rests with Women, surprisingly due to something they hate! Sexism!! In college-life-relationship these include time of meeting (decided according to girl's schedule), place (decided according to her mobility ) and most important of all, what is good/bad,private/public and so on (according to her judgment). Now well the first two are more obvious cases of sexism whether women "decide" to acknowledge them or not. While the third one, yes, how the hell did that become sexist. Guys don't realize but the third one is snuck in either when they don't realize or have been manipulated enough so they are just waiting to slice their right hands and gift it to them.

The fact is guys mostly grumble about one or two, in fact mostly one. But what they don't realize all this time is the fact, the third one is basically the governing factor. Because the third one actually dictates the life outside of college, if the relationship survive the brutal transformation. The third is the most significant weapon, it can vary from pouting of mouth to sad eyes, looking down. But actually I have said this about Hitler and I repeat it about the girls. Hitler came to power only because he actually believed in antisemitism (anti Jew feelings), he truly believed he was ridding Germany of evil and he sold it. Same goes for girls, whatever they do, you can never actually take away the one thing, they are believers. And I don't say this lightly but as a tribute to the most fascinating aspect of womanhood, they actually believe in the goodness of a man, of something even we can not see but it is there and she sees it and perhaps inspire us to change, for better or for worse, I don't know. I haven't allowed anyone to change me yet, but when it does happen, hell that transformation will be awesome.


And thus I sign off the pretty amazing journey through guy-gal dynamics, there is still a lot left to be said. After all, a woman is not just about her relationships, As of this moment I am at 1300 words, which is quite enough length for a single post. I will soon add the parts 2 onwards to make a complete study.... till then cheerioz