Mr. Void, The Cynic

This one is for you...

I was talking to my besty today and we suddenly jumped from astrology to introspection and to blogging. Long and short of the story is she said that I should write one about myself, in which I introspect. I thought noway, not that I ever listen to myself. Anywho, against my better judgment I will write this, as a mark of how much that one single friend means to me.

I call myself a cynic, repeatedly. That doesnt make me a cynic, and that is not even important. What is important is the underlying desire to be one, for it is true that I wish to be a cynic. Forget the dictionaries, for me a cynic is someone who covers up the irony of his life in jest and present them in a manner so ridiculous that nobody sees the pain. For me cynic is a person that laughs at other people's misery not because he finds misery amusing but he sees similarities or ironies that other people cant and laughing is his way to deal with emotional surcharge rushing through him. A cynic to me, is the deepest reader of civilization, and of humans that forces him to mistrust one and all.

The underlying desire to be a cynic comes from my deepest, darkest fears. The feeling gets prominent with shadows crossing over. Small incidents, if inspected individually are probably harmless, but accumulated over the time claws and eats you inside. Only the best of persons have control over their darkest fears, these are probably the chosen few. There is another category that I totally despise and these are manipulators, who give in to their fears and work to achieve the opposite. These are the world leaders, these are probably the most successful people in the world. There are also people who just crumble under their insecurities, the weaklings, the simpletons. And then there are cynics, as painful as it is, they just swerve the link on which the fear is based and they decide that one way or the other it doesnt matter. But the truth is that the link cant be broken, and there is a stabbing pain whenever the shadow crosses confirming the side. But the pain comes and goes and cynics stand their ground unaffected in the long run.

But the truth is I am not a cynic and that there is a part in me that dont want me to end up a cynic. This is the part that gives me faith, and the immeasurable hope that I have, which is all I have. The courage comes and goes, but hope often helps in overcoming the fears, hardwork happens (although not always) and I find myself standing.

A few stand by me, but I find it so very difficult to trust anybody, to bare my soul. There are always half truths, reality covered in jest and fiction and things roll. As Void, the author, it has always been very important to me to hide the identities of people I mention in my blog because they are real people with emotions and feelings and not all react the same way to being exposed to the world. Sometimes I take the hit, in order that someone else's identity or secret may be preserved. My blogs are a lot manipulated. Am I mysterious, no I am not. I dont want to be, but it is equally important to preserve someone else's secrets. Although I am a little bit superstitious about not speaking about a thing till it has launched, and that I prefer to work away from prying eyes. I have made the mistakes about it in the past and found my work difficult when people watched me. I also dont answer unasked questions. So if you think that I am being mysterious perhaps you are not asking the right question.

There was a time when I really thought that the most important thing in my life was to have friends, now I dont. Now I yearn for success and for withering heights. To reach the top and give it all up to become an author. I yearn for experience that life will give me. But there is somthing that I yearn for beyond all, something that I will not mention today, because it doesnt fit the twenty year old Void. I also yearn for a quick exit from this world, twenty more years is the most I want to live.

I smoke, not because I want the death to come early. I want the quick exit but not a painful one, anyway that is not the point. I smoke because that is the few moments of true freedom that I have from this world. I smoke because it relieves my mind, sometimes just because I am bored but mostly because of the freedom. I drink for the same reasons, but I hate getting drunk. I hate to lose my control so I am not so hot on drinking.

One more thing about myself is I hate making mistakes, simplest of mistakes like saying Good Morning in the evening or getting excited or simply getting nerdy. And I berate myself for making these mistakes. I am fairly lazy and can be termed borderline reckless. But I am not irresponsible. I get things done and on time! I am usually punctual, except for the classes, which I can never get on time to.

I dont like people who dump their troubles all over someone else, and play the blame games. Dumping your troubles over someone else doesnt mean talking to a friend to regain some strength or some sense of direction. But I absolutely hate people who just have problems and those who never come through for you in your troubles. I am also repelled by people who speak a lot of themselves or try and impress others especially with money or possessions. But above all I hate those people who always tell you that you are their best friend, they love you to bits but when it matters you are left alone, and I have loads of them!

On Veganism, I would love you if you are a vegan but non veganism is hardly the biggest problem the world is facing. On God, I am my God and work is worship. On diplomacy, will never understand it.

I seriously hope you got what you wanted cuz I am not going to make another attempt. Introspection, huh? I know myself, if there is one thing I am sure of, that is it.

The Losing Battle

"So do all, who live to see such times but that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."

(Gandalf to Frodo Baggins, in Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring in response to Frodo's continued desire Frodo and Gandalf in mines of Moria,Precisely the scene
where this dialogue was exchanged
to not bear the ring of power. To the best of my belief the line was only in the movie and not in the book)

Dont we all wish something of that sort, perhaps not of that magnitude? The reason that Lord of the Rings remain etched in my memory as the finest book ever written, is the fact they all stepped up to fight a battle they never thought they could win. From Frodo, who takes up the ring of power and journey without the aid of the more seasoned campaigners to the Strider, who marches to a fight that he will lose so that somebody else can win. And they were united, their power lay in courage of their hearts, and strength of their brotherhood. They bowed not to some invisible power, but met their dooms head on without fear. And yet suffered defeat in victory, Princess Arwen to Samwise Gamgee, who won and yet lost. No story was ever told, that was so riddled with grief, the bravery at its best. To fight a battle that you can not win and then smile in loss, in hope for someone else to enjoy that victory. I bow to you, Mr. Tolkien for providing us with an epic that will remain etched in our hearts till we breath.


The Strider, Aragorn, Elessar... He goes by many names
There is another incident, another phenomena that elated our hearts, much in the same way as Tolkien. His name wasMichael Schumacher.There was an incident, three years ago. It was Chinese Grandprix. Schumi having taken the bull by its horns had stormed his way atop the leader board with a comfortable lead. His championship was secure, then Chinese Grand Prix happened. With the worst luck that any driver ever could have, from punctured tyres to collisions, nothing that was his fault and he found himself at the bottom. And with nothing to prove and no battle that he could possibly win, he drove out of the pits, new tyres and everything and started setting scorchers of laps. On the last lap of the grandprix, he set the absolute fastest lap, a record that still holds. He finished thirteenth. He need not have done it, he could have just gone to pits and had a cold drink and nobody would have thought any less of him. Yet he raced, with ghosts perhaps just to prove something to himself. As luck would have it, next year he was riddled with a car that Schumi storming in Monaco
couldnt have won him any championships. Yet he fought, he raced with faster cars, defended, and lost and yet stepped out smiling waving to loyal fans as opposed to hiscompatriots who just vent their anger after being thrown out of a race. He bowed out, without the no.1 that he held for five years in succession and seven years in all. Thanks for inspiring us Schumi, for entertaining us and for fighting the losing battles...

And this is what life is about fighting those battles that you will eventually loose. A quest that leads only to defeat and leaves you to find little victories in a larger loss. Remember, when you wish things were different, you are not the only one. People who accomplished great things thought the same, and yet they marched to their eventual defeats, and found little success. Remember, the bravery at its best is to fight the losing battle, to lose it and still smile. Everything else that comes your way is just a bonus...

Hope must drive you....

Friendship Day Tribute 2: My Dark Side

"In the sweetness of friendship let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures. For in the dew of little things the heart finds its morning and is refreshed." ---Kahlil Gibran (1883-1931)

As an author you always tend to suck on misery to get a feeling for scope of a situation. And as it happens, the misery thrives on details and the finer points. Unfortunately, unless you have an extraordinary sense of observation, the memories as rich in detail only comes from personal experiences. So here we are, waiting to dissect another episode of my life. I found it very difficult to dig in and find cynism so it might not be as funny but the humor is there. The Dark Humor.

When I am not in a relationship, I usually bitch and moan about how there are no good single girls in my neighborhood. And when some one is actually crazy enough to go out with me, I count faults faster than the note counting machine. After a few days of togetherness I duck, jump and hide in every futile attempt to avoid commitment. Failing thus, I try and sabotage the relationship. Most of it goes on in the head, the subconscious some idiots are calling it now. There were two incidents in my life, where my commitment fearing self couldnt see past the self imposed barriers and ended up hurting people that actually cared about me. These two are of the four people I omitted from my Friendship Day Tribute. I dont know why, but I think that they are important in some other context.

The first one, Dash I had called her the last of the times I mentioned her with my besty. Dash as in a hyphen or blank, not a surname. It was before I had the desire to be in a relationship. As it happened that my besty was head over heels in love with this dash girl. I on the other hand, enjoyed a slightly more than cordial relationship with her. My thoughts obviously were with my besty, as we plotted schemes to get them together. They backfired, ricocheted of the walls surrounding her. But we never lost heart, for three months we planned and schemed. Until my father told me that he has been transferred. And I remember quite well that, before her no girl had ever occupied my mind so much, not after school hours anyway. A few days before my departure the dash came upto me, tied a friendship band on my wrist. I was surprised to see her crying. I didnt figure out for ages, what that was all about. We werent that close! She said some heavy dialogue that just went above my head. In that chaos I left. Well, my defense is boys are idiots.

The second one, I sabotaged classically. There was this plain gorgeous girl, who was actually mad enought to go out with me, and I never paid any attention to her. I wouldnt listen to her, I constantly ditched her for other friends. Althoug we did manage some extremely touching conversations. I always run short of words whenever I speak of her...

Softly Now, You owe it to the world
And everyone knows that you're my favourite girl
But there's some things in life that are not meant to be
I'm not meant for you and your not meant for me
Here's to our problems
And here's to our fights
Here's to our achings
And here's to you having a
Good life From Me Good Life

Here is to our abandoned plans! To your success and happiness! To your Good Life.

The Western Influence on Religion

Paganism, a term that sounds darkly enigmatic to ninety percent of the population who don't know what it means. I say this because having heard (actually read most of them) several people mention paganism, hardly a handful managed it correctly.

Paganism, is the term applied to all the religions and Gods lying outside of the holy trinity of Christianity-Judaism-Islam. All the religions, irrespective of being older or younger, similar or dissimilar to the three of them. Paganism is a cult term invented by The Church (who else?) around Renaissance in an attempt to discredit every religion in existence and to promote Christianity. In some stricter circles they argue that the Judaism, although the first credited religion, is now corrupted and is now another Pagan religion.

The term Pagan is Latin in origin means rural or rustic, the implied meaning can be guessed. Also it is the descendant of Jewish version called Gentile, which basically meant Non-Jew. The term Paganism basically implies disapproval, the big three looking down in disapproval. You can perhaps better explain the Pagan impact if you remember that one of the chief excuses the imperialists gave for colonization is to spread the teachings of Christianity. That is basically what Paganism is, a total rejection of all the religious beliefs of any civilization except their own. Committed as I am to being an atheist, this is still a larger bowl of shitload than the theistic crap people come up with. I mean, at the very least I can understand some people's innate desire to need a God, to pretend that they are not alone or that they are not in charge or just for some emotional support. But to the claims of a religion over other, and when majority of others in all likelihood are older than the holy trinity, I say classic west.

The holy trinity claims the same origin, The Abraham, a king that basically spoke to God and they had a pact and that he was respectively the first Christian, Muslim or Jew. Actually, Bible accepts him to be a Jew, at least before he spoke to God, the chosen one or the father from all others are descended. So basically, since the first man known is Adam (not same as Abraham) basically the first religion born was Atheism! Anyway, this Abraham offered his son Isaac to God, who the holy trinity considers father of Israel. Anyway, the funniest part of the whole was Abraham married his sister Sarai or Sarah! It is true! Abraham married his father's daughter, from a different wife, so half sister basically. That would really explain the western pervert characteristics... Anyway these are the basic facts.

Christianity, everyone knows originated with the start of positive time. The Hebrew bible implies that The Moses basically received it from God sometime during the second century Before Christ. And the youngest, Islam born with Prophet Muhammad during the 7Th century. That leaves a gaping hole of roughly 8000 years (for Americas) to 35,000 years (for Eurasia and Oceania) between origin of religion and human civilization. And these are the most lenient approximations, the first homo sapien is confirmed at 130,000 BC and suspected to be evolved at 200,000 BC. So basically, it took God seven days to create the world but another 50,000 years to spread his own message. Whoa!

Now the most powerful and beautiful of the ancient civilization are Greek, Roman, Egyptian, Chinese and of course Indian. All of these civilizations have their own Gods, and their own religions. All except China believed in polytheistic religions. China preferred Confucianism or Taoism and later Buddhism. Basically the fallacy of reasoning lies here, that the Gods accepted thousands of years before the creation of some religion are deemed random, even Satanic by the children religions of the civilization. That idea is laughable and yet presents a very realistic picture of the domination of the west over east, that threatens not only to engulf the creations but the very identity of the soul. I don't think that either of the remaining religions will succumb to these forces in a way Judaism did, but it is still sad to see Christian Missionaries trying to spend millions of dollars a year to spread Christianity to the remote tribal regions of the world in stead of carrying on operations for mere welfare of people without the thought of gain. I hope that our religious leaders, that hold more power than American President, will come of age and declare a war not on other religions but on inhumanity, poverty and hunger faced by millions.

Friendship Day Tribute

There are a l0t of issues that I will cover in this post, but above all this post is dedicated to my best friends, a thanks that is due. I also write this because my last two-three posts have certainly put out the wrong idea that my friends dont mean much. So on friendship day I give you my best friends in no particular order. (For those I forgot, I apologise. But those I forgot are only the people from my childhood.)

Priyanka- I loved competing with you.
Mukesh n Pammi, my first friends.
Vishsesh-my first best friend.
Hanu-Thanks for crowning me
Renu-thanks for completing my homework
Akruti-thanks for completing my drawings

Abhishek- Wish it hadnt ended the way it did
Kaushik: thanks for being there
Nidhi: You dont realize, but you uplifted my spirits in my worst time.
Nitin: Dude, grow up!
Nanu: Ah well!!
Roni: Umm... I am sorry.
Tanmay: My man! Keep in touch!
Akash: Trust me
Pranay: We are in the same ship, man.
Prachi: Thanks for everything... you will ultimately save me from going insane so dont leave me!!

A few of the best times in my life were when a friend came upto me and said I love you. And I hope it makes your day when I tell you the same. I love you, all of you... Even if I am not in touch with you doesnt mean, I love you any less.

(There are some names deliberately missing from this list. I dont know why yet, I will let you know whenever I figure.)

The Toilet of Love

One of the most singular (and fundamental) experiences of life is being in a relationship. But what is even more singular (and even more fundamental) is the experience of getting dumped. In spite of the affect this post will have on my personal ratings, I think it is very important that I proceed, largely because, as an author it is quite fulfiling to be able to extract every ounce of misery from a topic.

Those who know me best, will agree that I am as averse to a relationship as two rival heavyweight boxers or Manchester United and Arsenal or Ferrari and Mclaren. And yet, very occasionally their paths cross. You see, as a young meddlesome fool, I made it a habit to jump from one ship to other, occasionally braving a foot in two different ones. And suddenly, out of nowhere, a whim and a fantasy, the wildest nightmares realized, I was in a relationship! "In!"(Read Trapped) My world crashed, smiles disappeared, arguments surfaced and by God if I ever could have committed a murder... well you know what I mean!

Those deep eyes that captivated me once, now appeared to resemble the basilisk eyes from the Harry Potter movie I had recently watched. And the sweet sound of her voice was suddenly so sweet, I was afraid of catching diabetes. The only thing that did not change was the importance of the phone in the relationship. Not so long ago, I kept hoping for it to ring so that I can hear the voice of my sweetheart. Now, I keep hoping for it to ring, so that she will finally shut up. At both times the phone calmed the seas for the ship to sail and I suddenly found myself committed. At this point, my thoughts go back to Abraham Lincoln. He had a heartbreak, then he went on to become president of USA and freed the slaves. I quite understand him now, he had tasted freedom and wanted everyone to have it. Oh captain, my captain! (If you don't know that's the opening line of a Walt Whitman poem, and of course quite fitting... captain as in captain of a "ship")

The new "committed" phase brought about new changes. I have seen people belonging to this phase, discussing wedding card designs, or the name of the kids. And of course there is the "duty". Duty is the fond name, that I have since given to the task of going to (not on, but to) a date. You see I found it much similar to going to work. "Duty". There are many similarities, though I still found dating worse. You cant obviously miss work unless your grandparents die, but the bad thing is even death wont get you off the date. She will of course insist on coming. Then if you are late to work(or to date), the angry tirade of boss is always better than the tears of a girl with whom you cant get away by saying sorry. And whatever you say is wrong anyway, and you cant shut up either. It is what is called getting caught between a rock and a hard place. And with your boss there is always an outside chance of just making a sex joke and if its really good you may even get a promotion for producing a productive environment. Of course, if you make a sex joke to your girlfriend you will invariably get the tirade of "mad dash to finish line" or "just about sex" depending on where you are in the relationship. Then there is a lot left to be said about things forced down our necks.

The biggest point of conflict was my best friend. "Surprisingly" she didn't like him, of course not. What was I thinking, having a best friend without consulting her. I am ordered to find new friends. Of course sweetie, that's what I will do. And then, your friends are no more helpful than your girlfriend. "She is cripping your style man!" comes the standard response. I usually ignore that and his suggestions, as good as they sound. Basically, it is being idiotic and reckless at the same time, if you take relationship advise from someone who finds it difficult to get anything (let alone humans) to go out with him.

There was a lot I always wanted to tell her, but the smile remain attached on my face just because I didn't want to hurt her feelings. I mean, well it was nice to have someone who can list all your shortcoming in under a minute, if you ever decide to strive to be a better person. And there was another reason too. Guys are "disgustoids", and it was nice having someone who doesn't wear their socks inside out after seven days of wearing them regular way or who doesn't eat like a pumba in a burger chugging contest and burps loudly afterwards. There are a couple of other reasons, but I don't think we should go there.

Then it happened, one fine evening, just as I was beginning to come out of despair of a hopeless bondage with few hours of stolen time with the guys. You can let your imagination wander if you really want to know how we were planning to spend the evening. Just as we were getting started, DING-DONG. That was the doorbell. And there she was, again, the girl uninterrupted. Or I should say the interrupting girl. Without preamble she marched in, and well then lost it. You see, when I said stolen I actually meant calling her with a silly excuse of studying or something. She screamed, not much unlike people in Ekta Kapoor's beloved K series do. (Another reason I despise k series, but thats another story for some other time), and I tried to explain that I was a good boyfriend (later I wondered, why the hell!). And then she pronounced, "Yeah well, guess what you are also an ex now."
I stood there "flushed", as she marched out of the door. I am still not sure whether I should have followed her. My best friend was the first to recover, he whooped and punched the air. I was still feeling horrible, guilty perhaps. But then I realized I am not upset.
Someone asked me "Shouldn't you go after her?"
"Nuh, don't think so."
"Yeah, you can just call her tomorrow and get together and sort it out."
"Nuh, I am not gonna call her." I didn't call her. She didn't call either.
"Are you gonna be alright,"
"Oh yes, lets get this party started," said I, recalling everyone to planned rituals. As silence dropped over the room, as CD changed, I thought to myself "After all, there are plenty of other fish in this toilet of love."

(I hope she didnt read this. Hey sweetheart, if you read this and you die of shock please dont come back to haunt me)

Guilty? Or little harsh

For Sanju Baba....
For wowing us from Rocky to Lage Raho Munnabhai









I may not be Bollywood's most ardent fan, I may not be the first in line for new releases, but that doesnt mean I love it any less.

Well over ten years (twelve-fourteen) ago, my father allowed me to accompany him to the Jaipur airport where he was going to drop off my cousin. As I had never even seen an aeroplane in real life let alone ride on one, I was very excited to get to watch a plane take off. But what I never knew, I had another surprise waiting for me. When we tried to enter the Airport, we were not issued airport tickets that allow entry in the lounge. "Passengers Only," we were told. I was sorely disappointed. Airport to me was like a castle at that time. As I and my father watched my cousin disappear behind rows of faces, the sound of screeching breaks made us all turn around. A black sedan (probably Esteem, I dont remember) appeared out of thin air. The doors opened, out stepped a man over six feet tall, looking like he dropped out of a movie reel. On his side was a lovely lady, in clothes I didnt believe existed. As he entered the Airport, a guard walking in front clearing the people out of their way. Many fans jostled him for autograph before he managed the short walk between the sedan and the gate. He was inside the gates when I finally jolted out of my trance and pleaded with the guard on the gate to let me inside. My father helped, and provided me with his phone book and a pen. With a nod of the guard I rushed inside, giving myself a full 360 degree visibility with a rotating forward motion as I desperately tried to reach to him before he got away. I need not have worried, he was standing in the lounge, leaning on the barrier talking to the lady. I rushed to him said, Autograph please and handed him my father's phonebook. He acquiesced and asked my name. I stammered it out as he ruffled my hair which made me stammer even more as I tried to thank him. I dont think I ever actually thanked him considering I was rushing out before I knew it, trying to savor the memory of the most glorious moment of the seven or eight year young life. I glanced at the lopsided writing, it said

luv
Sanjay Dutt

(I never possessed the autograph as my father told me he had many important contacts in that small, dusty phonebook. I anyway thought, it was too grand a thing to possess. Some years later I came to know he had lost it. It didnt cause me much pain, a little disbelief though as I was starting to question some of my mother and father's beliefs. )

I like Sanjay Dutt, I admire his work. The effort and yet the carefree manner, he is refreshing. From the don of Vaastav to guru of Gandhigiri in Lage Raho, he has proved versatile . From one cornerstone to another, he covered many leagues and in face of adversity. I liked the confidence, with which he faced the charges and the innocence of his pleading touched me. In today's Times of India, some person was quoted as saying this was too big a punishment for recklessness. Perhaps he was right. Even as we love him, love his work and his on and off stage antics the fact remains. He did something terrible, reckless yes, but yet a legal offence. I dont think even the judge will disagree if I say that Sanjay Dutt is not likely to commit another offence. But then the book says he should be punished. Then a thought comes to mind that punishment was meant to make the man see error of his ways so that he must not repeat the offence. Then as soon as that thought appears another counters, but what about other film stars? If Sanjay was let go others will take the law lightly. Then again, yes, but six years? and my mind just jams.

As a fan I dont like the fact that he has to spend time in a Jail in the same conditions as Abu Salem. As a person I think he should have been granted the probation period he requested, or at the very least allowed the one last phone call to his daughter. Watching the videos of his walk from court to police vehicle it appeared that a couple of policeman were trying to show off, manhandling Dutt just to prove they can. But I am forced to accept the bitter truth, that the decision making was done according to the book and it was a bold decision. As an Indian Citizen I am forced to accept on the whole it was the right decision, (minimum imprisonment is five years and maximum being 10, so dont think they could have given him two or three years) even if it seems very harsh.

And that's why they say

"the past always comes back to haunt you. You can bury it but it will always claw its way back out.."

Here is wishing our dear Munnabhai luck, and support. And the thing I forgot forteen years ago... Thanks, for the autograph and thanks for entertaining us over and over again. Bollywood (even Mumbai) wont be the same without you!