Blast from the past

I am sort of lost again. It is surprising how often does that happen! Anyway, I found an old diary of mine, with a lot of stuff I had written, some of it live as it happened. This is bits and pieces from the darkest part of my mind, intensely personal. And therefore it is obvious, why it must be censored!

(Most of the following I wrote when I was passing time on the last bench in a class)

..... I am a horrible student, always been a last bencher unless coerced by forces of evil towards otherwise. And surely you dont expect me to listen....

... You see the things you dream about all of your life and you finally get them, dont always turn out to be the way you intend them to be...

............And I met my treacherous past, there was a lot that was to be said and should have been said and yet I didnt.....

..... There comes a time for everyone when they feel completely, utterly alone. This happens when you are forsaken by your best friends, the people you trust. And first you drift into a sea of nothingness and before you realize it, you get hit by a rock that you didnt knew exist.....

(And a particularly disturbing entry,)

August 29, 2006
Today looks like another long day. It is particularly difficult to spend the whole day surrounded by people and the days..... (unreadable)..... I dont know what the cure is, I am upto my head in crap. (Wonder what triggered this entry)

"The point Arpit, is to remember you must never give up on a friend."(This I believe is the best spur of the moment thing anybody ever said to me, I keep it close to my heart)

You critics or whatever else you may call yourself, are ashamed or frightened of the momentary and transient extravagance which are to be found in all creative minds and whose longer and shorter duration distinguishes thinking artists from the dreamer. You complain of your unfruitfulness because you reject too soon and discriminate too severely.
(A paragraph from a letter some author wrote to his critics, reproduced by Sigmund Freud in his book Dream Interpretation)

My head is on the verge of an explosion. A battle rages inside, a decision made subconsciously conflicts with the desires of the heart. What heart desires is often complex and more often is impragmatic. What heart desires is not always attainable, but the brain impregnated with power to reason and loaded with logic figures out a course of action less prone to failure. But the brain is incapable of power beyond all, a power that is both great and terrible. Dreams. Dreams can wake a man from grave and yet the same can drive him insane. Brain is also without the driving force that makes silver linings in the darkest of clouds. Its called hope. Hope is omnipresent, and its the one thing that nobody can ever take away from you. Courage can fail, hard work comes to naught but hopes and dreams retain the power to vanquish the darkest hour.
( July 13th, 2006, I remember the day, and things werent well when I wrote this. This somehow brought me peace, and has done so many times since.)

........ I just wish I could put all this behind me and close my eyes and fucking go to sleep.....
(A hard bout of insomnia catching up with me)

......... The body is full of hyper energy which is going to waste more than use.......
(One of the days trying to put TIRC together)

.... Its 1.35am and my hair are progressively greying by the thought of the magnitude of this event.....
(from the letter inviting people to join TIRC)

There are times in life when you encounter things beyond your capability. These are perhaps the most testing times anybody can face or the easiest. The difference lies in the attitude, broadly divided into go-getter or happy-go-lucky person. Go getter is the better human being, while the happy-go-lucky person is well, happier. Period!


Maybe passion is overrated maybe because passionate people are the unhappy ones. They chase sparkling dreams, and go after things they believe in, things they love. They are the ones who proudly wear their hearts on their sleeves and are not afraid of getting hurt. But a passionate guy is bound to be miserable as he comes to terms with his own limitations or the cavalier manner of his comrade/colleague/companions. But the passionate people will give you everything they got, till long after they can afford to.............

..... Maybe passion is overrated, but all it requires is two passionate people madly in love with each other to make an exciting life out of nothing............ I may not be much, but sure as hell know that I am passionate!

There unfortunately is no end to this diary, and I believe I will stop now, to be continued on a later date. Till then,

love
Void